I Am A Mess Inside

I have anxiety disorders.... I am also a recovering addict.... 99 percent of the time, i pretend that i'm OK. Even though I'm getting drunk... but not high to stop the anxiety. Even though I have dreams about cutting my arms open and bleeding to death. I really don't have much of a choice. It's either pretend... or let it affect my son. I am afraid that if my therapist found out about it... I would lose the two things that mean a damn to me.... My son and my freedom. I'm trying SO hard to get my **** together.... and the more i try to pull it together... the more it falls apart.  I don't feel comfortable in my classes for my therapist....  I don't feel comfortable in NA meetings because I've been drinking....  and I don't like AA meetings because i can't relate to alcoholics....
YouBleedJust2KnowYoureAlive YouBleedJust2KnowYoureAlive
31-35, F
1 Response May 15, 2012

I realise this story was posted many months ago, YBJ2KURA, and lots may have changed in your life since then -hopefully for the better.

As an addict myself, I understand your reservations about attending NA and AA meetings. I personally found them depressing, and even trigger-events for my using, rather than helpful. Part of the problem, for me, is their concentration on the "total sobriety" model, which I believe puts way too much pressure on the addict; I personally believe it is possible to use at a level that causes a minimum of harm.

And as a single parent myself, I also empathise with your anxiety about your son. I hope You feel at least a little better about your situation by now.