I Often Cover Up My Real Pain And Fears

I am on a three week antibiotic bout again and to be honest it sickens me... the doctor keeps trying to convince me the doxy are better for skin but from what I see I would have to say I disagree or maybe its just my dumb skin?

I think the flagyl were better on this rash personally and I think sulphur are better for me also ... its just that when I was taking lots of sulphur tablets in the 90s it made me tired and anaemic.... I seemed to take so much sulphur I really don't know how I coped at all at college and uni I was always taking them for ear infections all the time.  but they worked.

I think there is something more wrong then the doctor will let on with this rash and with my ear



I keep getting letters I am deliberately ignoring from the hospital for surgery dates... I ffff en well don't want to have spinal surgery
there have been times I felt like I have had cancer or a dead organ inside me... I was obsessed with the possibility of a uterine infection or a diseased muscle ...



I am just so down ... the other night I had a cry ... listening to that song "everybody's gotta learn sometime" cuz it still remind me of when werner died in around the time that of the late 70s early 80s.


I have bowel problems and nausea so bad at the moment.


I still live in fear of that vomiting bug that I got in October last year ... and the dizziness that was murder.  the feeling of nausea and dizziness every slightest move of my neck ... and head... and the vomiting for hours and the rash .... I still have the light sensitivity and I still have the difficulty walking at times.... sore joints and ever present ringing in the ears.






czaristacrystals czaristacrystals
36-40, F
1 Response May 24, 2012

what that song means to me is about childhood feelings and letting go of the shame and guilt ... the german guilt... I mean I knew werner had killed people in the war ... but I still loved him... and hated him ... I was so angry at him for killing himself ... I admit that now.... and over the times Bill was molesting me and hitting me... "everybodys gotta learn sometime" yeh I learnt ... what it was like having my vagina fingered at and just feeling like it was not even part of my body ... it was everyone elses. I remember one day I collapsed too and I so paniced about having injections for bed wetting (which is kind of funny now) but i used to sleep in my mothers room and she would hold my hand til I fell asleep sometimes or I would have the radio on very low.. and it got worse around the time werner died and the house down the road set on fire... and this guy was shooting a gun around the neighbourhood.... I had a nervous breakdown over Werners death... and Bill molesting me so much. <br />
<br />
but I guess everys gotta learn from their mistakes as a child.... I seemed to have so many glaring mistakes.<br />
<br />
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fOVECbr-vsc