Not Really

i try.....dear god i try.

but i am not ok. I want to be...

All i manage to do is hurt people.

And i don't know why.... How did i get so messed up?

Oh yeah i know.... from being a passed around party doll as a child. Sex is love.. love is sex... Is there love without sex. Is there sex without love.

Can somone who has never touched your hand truly love you? Can you love them?

What the hell is love anyways?

I have once again hurt another heart. One that is pure and kind and loving. One thats only wish is my happiness. I have uttered those words with the deepest of intent to make them true. But all i have done is treat them with an unkindness. It is not a lie. I do love them. I love how they love me. I love his control over me. I love that with him i do not think, i simply am. That he lives for the ring of his phone. That he sees more to me than i do.
He is not the first to be there. That small spot in my heart that is not hardened over by stone. But it is a small place. And fear keeps it that way.

I will not again utter those words until i can cut a chasm in the stone of my soul and let out what others keep trying to put in.
Until i can see in myself what they see. And until i believe it. Because i do not believe i am worth the time of day. Much less the love that they keep pouring out upon my beaten soul.