Why Can't I Just Be Happy?
I'm tired of trying to hide it, I'm tired of trying to find peace in my heart when there's no sign of it coming and I'm tired of not being able to talk to anyone about it out of fear of sounding dumb. But I can't fight it, it hurts too much. Why can't I just be happy with what I have like everyone else seems to be. Why can't I wear my real face instead of this mask. Now don't get me wrong I have truely happy days but when that changes it changes dramatically. I can't take this emptiness anymore. I hate being alone, I hate being the odd man out, the fifth wheel, alone. I hate feeling so ******* under appreciated no matter what I do, no matter how much I help. I hate the feeling of being taken advantage of. I just realy wish someone out there was thankful for what i've done for them. I wish my bosses would appreciate all the hard work I do I wish some girl out there would see what I have to offer and take me up on it. I just want to hear "Thank you" or "I love you" or "I'm proud of you." Sure my motivation for helping people isn't to be rewarded but absolutely nothing!? After everything I did and put up with my ex, treating her far better then she deserved I get left with nothing. After bailing out a friend and about 500 dollars later not even a single ****** thank you, I haven't even heard from that person in about 2 weeks now. Everything I've done for my roommate, all the times he came home to an clean apartment, nothing. After busting my *** off at work, putting up with 2 years of bullshit with my team we don't get a single ounce of respect or praise. Hell we haven't even been able to participate in any of our departments celebrations cuz we don't count as a team.
And then on top of that I have to pretend to be ok, I can't act out or people will just shrug me off and ignore me like i'm some stupid kid. I can't appear weak because my family thinks so highly of me, even if I wanted to break down and talk to someone I know about all this I can't because while I am here for everyone I know there is no one there for me. I can't turn to God because who knows when she is going to get around to helping me out. I can rant on here because no one knows who I am, no one will ever know and that gives me comfort. I love EP for that, for the fact that I have no reason to keep things to myself because even if I appear weak on this site it doesn't matter, no way real way to trace it back to me personally cuz again, no one knows me and no one will. No one here will actually take the time to get to know me, I'm just another whiney ***** on EP looking for a small glimmer of compassion which is ok cuz the comfort and peace of mind comes from angrily typing all this out.