Yes I Do

I pretend I am okay all the time. Only when I am on a High Manic am i ususally okay, even if I act like I am fine, or even if I say that I am fine, I really am not, and its not easy to deal with sometimes. I hate the pressure of holding it all in, and keepign it to myself, but from experience, I know that after being "not okay" for so long, people will start to thiknk I am doing it just so people will feel sorry for me, when that is not the case. that is the last thing that i want. it just how i feel. i can't help it that i am not okay, and that there are things going on in my life that are making me not okay, and not able to handle life so well right now.

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5 Responses Feb 17, 2010

sometimes, pretending is all you can do, or have to do. People in general, honestly, from my years of interactions, do no care. All they care about is how to use another human being. Even friendships, if you can call them that anymore, are solely ba<x>sed on self gain.<br />
I do hope that you can at least find comfort with your family, because they are the only ones who will support you, hopefully. And if you have no one to speak to, journals can do wonders.<br />
I no longer pretend. If i am happy, it's known. If i am angry, i have no shame showing that ether. I hope you'll find a way to express it all.

I want it all to be ok. But it cant. Its just the way i am. I have no real friends because no one thinks like i do. They see a kid who is wierd, i see a potential threat to my life. Because they could become unstable. Ive read and seen enough to pick out these sorts of people and i can think like they do. But i will never be one of them.

i hope you can find a way to get the love and attention that you need without judgment

I understand the way you feel. You're in a situation that requires or at least needs lots of support from those around you, and it's legitimate. but you're sure that if it's a constant need, even if it's legitimate need, people will begin to think you're just an attention junkie. which in a way you (and i) are, but not in the way people think of it. the "attention *****" type is greedy for attention usually when they don't need it. they're addicted to attention but they would be fine without it, save the addiction withdrawals. what's happening with you is more like a person with legitimate physical pain who needs the meds that "attention junkies" would try to steal and abuse

Maybe you should try to change some things in your life, profoundly! It must be hard to bear to be not OK for so long and at some point the "pressure" should become secondary to your well being. Don't wait until you forget all the things that make you happy because it will probably get a lot harder then.