I Am So Sick Of Playing "fake It Till Ya Make It" For Survival!!!

Gotta vent here, so bear with me. *PRIMAL SCREAM* ... much better. *sigh* Thank you. :-D

For the past 5 months I've been bottling all this rage toward my abusive husband because I knew if I didn't "behave" he'd suspect I was leaving and taking my son and he'd try to stop me/us or worse.

Now that I'm home with my parents, I pretend I'm okay because they know enough of what's been going on to be supportive, but I'm not ready to tell them -all- of it yet, and I'm kinda scared my dad'll go on a homocidal rampage if he actually knew the full extent of what my husband's been doing to us.

I also have to fake it for my little boy, because I see how much better he's doing here after only being here a week, and I don't want him to be reminded and worrying about me - he's not even 3 years old yet, and while he understands more than most would give him credit for (for example, that Daddy didn't come with us and we won't be seeing him - this after the ONLY time he asked about him while we were on layover in the airport last week on our way here), it's way too much of a burden for him to have to see his mom going to pieces yet too - so I hide it from him as best as I can.

Even with my friends, I feel like I'm always wearing a mask. There's really only one person I feel I can tell all to without feeling like a burden/wet-blanket, and I often refrain with him because he's got problems enough with is own abusive marriage - she hurts him, and I hate her for it and fear what I'd do if I ever actually caught her doing/saying to him the things he's described.

So there are so many masks, and layers of masks... and I wonder if, on the other side of all this this, I'll ever be able to peel them all off and be ME again... or if that person's been lost forever now and can never be recovered.

ViolaPercy ViolaPercy
26-30, F
Feb 18, 2010