And Everyone Thinks I'm Happy With This Life

I can’t do it any more, the up and down, the optimism and pessimism, the indecisiveness, the hate, the not knowing, it’s just too much; I don’t know who I am. “I” am this unstable image of self in a state of constant fluctuation, my unsure thoughts and cycling beliefs defining a reality that I can never hold on to. I’m not okay, this isn’t okay, and I know that right now but I can’t say what I’ll know tomorrow; I can’t ever know what I’ll know from one moment to the next, can’t ever be sure of when I’ll slip into the other voice from my dreams and nightmares – I don’t even know which of these lives is true anymore. Only one of these worlds can exist, and yet I teleport between them aimlessly; where am I in the physical world when I visit my terrifying fantasy ones? Does my body operate on autopilot? Does it sleep? Or does it simply disappear? Perhaps I’ve been flitting in and out of existence for so long that everyone has been taught to ignore it. Am I years older than I think? Have I wasted my life this way, always somewhere but never here, wandering between these many selves for the simple reason that I can’t choose whether I am suicidal or elated, or merely a tired grey? These tears that dry on my cheeks feel so concrete, and yet they were inconceivable only hours ago. So what is wrong with me? Why do I rely on addictions that I hate and habits that rip me apart on so many levels to comfort myself? Why can I not let anyone in, not speak a word of my many beings to the people I love? Nothing is enough, and yet all I want is to be content, even if it is with nothing.

 

This pain and fear and loneliness, this dark hopelessness that slowly and methodically drips into my heart until it overflows with mere emptiness, I know it all too well. I know these cold night hours curled in a corner, muscles wound tight, blade clenched, sight blurred, mind screaming, all for longer than any of my other selves could imagine. But it is only when I’m this one that I can think of the other me’s. Only when I’m in this rotting cellar I thought was the worst of the nightmares am I truly self-aware, able to realize what I’ve become and to recognize my moment-by-moment changes. So only now am I able to see that I was wrong, that while this may be the worst one, it’s no nightmare. I can’t turn this world off; all the others are only towers built in the clouds, dreams of freedom, beautiful imaginations of a happiness that I knew I could never experience here. Here is the only possible reality. So I can fight through this night, and the next, and each of the following ones, surviving, nothing more but quite possibly something less with each coming phase of the moon. Fantasies may come and go, but I will always find myself in the real world again, if only for a few hours at a time. So what makes it worth it? If this is it, this is when I’m able to see clearly, if this is what each and every one of my days will come back to, why would I bother trying to live on, a pathetic excuse for a person? If every laugh is a timer counting down, each smile a reminder that it won’t last, then what do I have to keep on living for? Others? For too long I’ve clung to the excuse that it would be selfish to try to rid myself of this life, but for how much longer can I survive on that? Each of these tortuous tumbles down to this point sees me hit the ground a little harder, bleed a little more, scream a little louder. The pain won’t stop, won’t slow down – so now what?

The13thCherryBlossom The13thCherryBlossom
18-21, F
3 Responses Feb 21, 2010

Don't worry. The lows won't last forever. They may seem to last forever sometimes, but just like the darkness of night, the sun soon rises again. <br />
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Other things to help can be exercise and healthy eating which can both help us to feel better, too. We need to use everything at our disposal to lift up our hearts and souls. <br />
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Best Wishes! Mel

Thanks, I appreciate your words of encouragement. I see the positive things you speak of, and experience them so vividly in my highs... but that fleeting happiness only makes my darker nights somehow worse. I'm going to keep fighting, but I get so scared sometimes that I might get trapped in one of these lows and never be able to emerge.

Hi! <br />
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The Past does not equal the Future! Life can be better. You can make life better. There are many things that we can not control, but there are many things we can do to live the life that we wish for. Try to focus less on what was or is and focus more on what do you want? What do you want from your life? What goals would you like to reach? What things would you like to do with your life? Where would you like to go? What would you life to see? <br />
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There are many positive things that this world has to offer. But like most things, we have to work to achieve them. They aren't just going to happen by themselves. <br />
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Make a list of goals for yourself. Life is an adventure! <br />
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Best Wishes! Mel