I Just Don't Want To Seem Weak

I do that too...

You know...I pretend I am okay when clearly I am not. Or I would not pretend to be okay I'd rather not ask for help or start crying, because if I do I would be weak and dependent and wrong and a loser...

Luckily I know where this came from. My mom had bad depression when I was 17. I had to do the laundry, do the housechores and check up on my brothers so they'd do their homework. Suddenly I was no longer their sister, I was their second mom. My mom was in and out of hospital getting sleep therapy every now and then. She wasn't capable of taking care of us a that time.

Also, I had just broken up with my boyfriend after being in a abusive relationship with him for way too long. So with my mom depressed and emotionally weak I had to step up and heal myself. I had to be strong.

You know it is not really uplifting things that I am sharing here, but I have to in order for you to understand why I always feel that I need to be strong and pretend that I am okay all the time even though people usually see that I am not.

I just want to add that it has been about ten years later and I am still struggling. We all need to have the space to cry and be weak. We need to give ourselves permission to depend on others for support when you cannot do it alone. I think that is why we are on this website?
PixieGirlie PixieGirlie
26-30, F
6 Responses Feb 23, 2010

thanx Dan :)

Very impressive. I am proud of you :)

Thanx Dan! Yes I don't regret that time anymore. It was extremely difficult working through my own problems and staying strong for my mother's sake.. it wasn't easy. It took me about 5 years to work through the problems I picked up from my relationship with my ex just because there wasn't time to really think about myself then. I was preoccupied. I was already at varsity when I sorted through the last batch of issues, but I was also lucky to have a boyfriend who was there with me... he really helped me sort through some of my intimacy problems etc. I owe him a lot. We are not together anymore, but we are still good friends.<br />
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We (me and the abusive partner) started dating when I was 14 and he was 17 and we broke up just before I turned 16. So by the time I turned 17, my mom had her depression and she was also suicidal so we had to keep an eye on her.<br />
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I am good now. These things are not problems and issues in my life anymore, but there are a few after effects that still lingers... like the habit of pretending to be okay when I am not... I see these things as little things... it's just a matter of being aware of them and then you can make the decision to change.

Sounds like you had a lot of responsibilities at such a young age.<br />
You should be proud of yourself for being a second Mom.<br />
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Don't feel bad.<br />
We all need help from time to time.

Thank you very much for your comment. I really appreciate it! All that you are saying is so true! It is not just an individual problem, it is a problem with society in general. There is just no more room for being human! Everyone expects you to be this robot with no feelings and emotions. And sadly this won't ever change. No one is ever ashamed to go to a doctor for a cold or flu, but the moment you have an emotional problem and need to see a counsellor, then you are a nutjob and can't take care of yourself. What about the idiot who stayed out all night drinking and in the cold without a jacket on? Isn't it the same? Somewhere along the line things got seriously twisted.

I can understand completely where you come from. I even at one point felt embarrassed about calling out for help when I fell in my drive-way and broke my leg. I blame society on a lot of this too. It focuses on the idea of independence. Songs like "Big Girls Don't Cry" and movies where "the one hero saves the day" help cement this kind of thinking. It's physically and emotionally draining to constantly pretend and "be tough". As Eminem put it in one of his raps "chin up little soldier, stiffen up that upper lip". Society has no room for public displays of distress and even frowns upon it. People are 'babies' if they let their problems get to them and should just learn to accept and move on. It can be hard and once these habits are in practice harder still to break them. My suggestion is to try and take some "you time" where you do something that you really enjoy and do it alone. It gets you away from the things causing you stress and makes you feel good at the same time. Try to hang in there! It's a cold world out there sometimes...