I'm Sorry

Maybe I should write this as a confession instead of a story.   I'll probably end up deleting it anyway ... the truth hurts ... lol.

 

I've battled depression for most of my life.  The last 10 years at least, I've won that battle more often than not.

I've been struggling for some time now, trying to hold myself together.  It's not that everyday is horrible.  I do have lots & lots to be grateful for and many good things and great people in my life.  But I feel myself slipping.

I wonder if this is how the addict feels when they relapse into drugs or alcohol.  You know the path you're on will only lead to dark places you swore you'd never visit again.   But somehow you can't find anything to hold onto to stop your descent.

I feel like I owe so many people an apology.  I hate letting anyone down.  For anyone who thinks depression is not an illness .... they've never experienced this.  I don't want this.   I'm not feeling sorry for myself.  You have no idea how much it hurts to even admit to it right now.

It's no one's fault.  There's nothing anyone could have done to change this.  I just have to force myself to get up and keep moving forward towards ... something.  I don't even know what.  I'll win the battle again.  I know that's true.  The thing is, I can't really begin to fight until I admit the enemy is here, lurking in the shadows, just waiting for that moment of weakness ...

I'm sorry to anyone I've disappointed.  I'm sorry I can't offer any more than this right now.  It's humbling to admit defeat.  Maybe we need a 12 step program for depression.  All I know is I can't pretend I'm ok anymore.

SeriouslySappy SeriouslySappy
51-55, F
19 Responses Mar 9, 2010

By talking about it I believe you've taken a huge step. We who are depressed keep our feelings locked away where no one looks.

I hope to be able to post my issues on here soon. It seems like there is a lot of support on this site. Nice to know I'm not alone.

All i can think of rite now is to give u a hug.. de pression is no fun.. I had it for very short , days when my ex husband wanted to divorce me.. was big shocker..<br />
depression can tear my life apart..

LV ... thank you. Those words mean a great deal coming from you. I am happy to report my days are much brighter now. It certainly helps to have sunshine & warmer weather. I never totally slipped back into the dark depths, I just recognized the approaching warning signs. Like you LV, I chose to keep pushing myself forward. It makes a huge difference.

My dearest friend,<br />
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I am so proud to have a friend like you, who fights her battles head on and is not afraid to admit her losses.<br />
<br />
I totally relate to your story, I too have to force myself to move forward

Thank you Heaveny, Love, Dras & Gryfnn. Telling my truth is always a release for me. Making lists of goals is very good advice. I just have commitment issues now .... lol.<br />
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Gryfnn, your words are always a comfort to me. I know this will pass and I know what I need to do to help myself through it. I'm not bashing men but I do think this is often so much harder for women to deal with. We have so many people in our lives who "need" us to fulfill different roles for them. I just get overwhelmed and tired when I feel pressured by the demands.<br />
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Here's a great clue to know for sure you've neglected yourself. When I was talking to my doctor today & telling him I was ok, but not as well as I had been ... I was listing off all the things I was doing, keeping up with. He said ... "and what are you doing for yourself, just for fun?" When you can't answer that question you know you have a problem.

glad everything is going well hope u get over it soon never to go back

MAKE A LIST OF ALL THE THINGS YOU WANT TO ACHIEVE IN A COUPLE OF MONTHS, YEAR OR YEARS. AND RIGHT BESIDE YOUR GOALS WRITE DOWN WHAT YOU'RE GONNA DO TO ACHIEVE THEM.

Dearheart, Depression is a very serious illness, I'm not going to burden you with the tragedy that it has caused in my family......but believe me I truly understand. Relax--there are many people who do understand...the ones who don't---that's their problem, not yours. It will pass...I hope you have a decent medical professional to help you.....do not concern yourself with failing other people....do what ever makes YOU feel better.

Getting it out in the open helps. So does blogging on it. I have suffered from depression for several years. Talking to someone always helps and so does my Lexapro I take daily. I still have issues I am working through and just wanted to let you know to hang in there and it will get better. Hugs.

Thanks Kissy & Aging for your comments. You've all been very supportive & helpful here. I am not one to ask for help .... ever. When I feel like I'm losing the fight against my depression, the hardest thing for me is I feel like such a failure.<br />
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EP has been a real blessing in my life. This is not an easy topic for me and not one I freely share with everyone I know. When you ladies comment and remind me I'm really not alone out here and you understand ... it really does make a difference.<br />
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And my dr. visit went well. I'm lucky to have had the same doctor for several years now who is very familiar with my history & my issues. He does understand all I'm going through now. He doesn't think I'm slipping back as much as I'm just going through some very sad & stressful times right now. We talked about what I need to do. I'll get through this. Thank you all.

I relate to your story in almost every way, but the comment about getting up "to move forward toward..... something" is usually the piece that starts my spiral downward. When I think about being lost and struggling to see a point to why I am here is when I feel all of the strength I've been using to "keep on keeping on" metling away. Usually a day-long cry helps. Hope yours, and your dr. visit , does it for you.

Thank you Dras. You are correct in that there issues I must deal with right now. The primary illness I've dealt with is chronic clinical depression. However, there are other types. What I'm experiencing now is "situational" depression which while it feels much the same, I need to attack it just the way you described. I do have to focus on the present. It's a mistake for me to keep my emotions locked up and I have done that for too long.

Thank you for you comments Alone. I'm sorry you're feeling this way too. I do understand how hard it can be to find and accept support. There is support to be found on EP too and I hope you'll keep writing & sharing here.<br />
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Only people who have gone through this truly understand. I can see how it doesn't make sense to those who have not experienced it. I'm still functioning, I'm still moving and I'm still fighting my way through it. It's an exhausing battle. Thanks for your support Alone.

this isnt to sappy alone but all my friends who battle depression the first step is to accept what is happening and live in the present not worry abt whats going to happen next and see the brighter sides of thing most at times it is caused by a problem which has never being dealt with so the best thing ti do is find the underlying cause and tackle it from forgetting abt the past and focus on the present because pain in the past is felt as guilt and pain in the future is felt as anxiety these emotions if not well catered for becomes depression so keep in the present and never keep emotions withn and pretend its all rght hope it helps

Thank you all. I am ok, definitely going to put in some crying time .... lol. I don't want anyone to worry. I even have an appt with my doctor tomorrow. That's probably why I wrote this. I needed to be honest with myself so I could be honest with him.<br />
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You ladies are bright, shining examples of the power EP . Your words mean more to me than I can tell you right now.

Sappy... There must be a root caused to your depression. Can I help in anyways... ? PM me if you want to share.. Hugs Hugs Sappy. I do understand your feeling...more so the depression. I been there for 2 years.. I got out and moved on since. You can do the same Sappy.. Weep...cry... yell... be crazy....be rude... be wild... be anything you like ... just let it all out Sappy. Don't hold back.

Sappy, please don't worry about disappointing anyone. Your friends just want you to be all right. {{{HUGS}}}

Oh Sappy, you are being way too hard on yourself. Let me know if I can help in any way, please.<br />
Hugs,<br />
Jo