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A Big Lol At My Weakness

Not really. How about a big FML.
The hell I put myself through the past 24 hours... and we are right back in it. Oh my ******* god he's buying my plane ticket tomorrow for this March during spring break. I hope it's refundable....
Another couple hours obliterated, sharing pix that aren't mine, talking on the phone about Love Park and driving up to New York for the weekend. He texted me today and I should have resisted but I paint even harder and faster until my corner is entirely red. He apologized, of course I forgave him, in the blink of my bewitching eye.
Even now though I don't even know if I still want out. There is this sick sick part of me that's curious how far I can take it. How far WILL I take it? How many more failed attempts at staying "sober" of him and of this annihilation of my mind?
This behavior I know caused my divorce from my husband, I know without a doubt I'll never be able to have a real relationship with anyone face to face. I'm so ******* disconnected I can't get hooked back up for the life of me.
istandupforu2 istandupforu2 26-30 5 Responses Oct 5, 2010

Your Response


thats a beautiful thing, glad to hear it..

Really proud of you for finally coming clean, friend.

Hey.<br />
Update.... So I came clean to him. He has known for about a month now... We have plans to meet in seven weeks. I have since sent him real pictures as well as invested in a webcam. We cam frequently. This is the first time I've been honest with anyone like this.... I'm pretty scared, he is SO forgiving.....<br />
Anyway, it's strange reading this post I made over a month ago since so much has changed..... I really don't deserve him obviously... and I'm not sure I can ignore that fact forever. It gnaws at me. And yes, it was ****** up what I did, I AM ****** up.

I wanted to was a pretty ****** thing you did, knowing full well you lead him on and continued to do it knowing he would be hurt. It looks like a reflection of how you will behave in other relationships...and how hurt you are.

Hi...just read your story. Its interesting for me to see the other side of the coin. You see, i was the one being used and lead on by someone pretending to be someone else. The whole thing left me hurt and angry, there was absolutely no closure, she just disappeared once I found out she was not who she said she was.<br />
I wrote a blog about it in 2008...The girls identity she used was a minor celebrity in L.A.<br />