I Hate Myself And Pretend To Be Someone Else

Ive been very unhappy for the last few years. Im dealing with all the issues inside. I feel that nothing ever works out. I have so many issues and only one person to really talk to but I secretly wonder what he thinks about me inside even though he supports me and lets me know he cares. Since I was a kid I felt like I should have been a male but no Im stuck in this female body. Nothing can be done about it at the moment since Im still living under my parents roof until I finish school. They dont understand me. they assume I am a lesbian which Im not. They try to make me admit that I am a lesbian. They taunt me, they tell me how bad gay people are and how they are all going to burn in hell. I know this isnt true. If there is a God he couldnt punish people who are different. He made them in his image. If he didnt want them to be that way he wouldnt have made them that way right? I like girls. I like boys. I like men I like women but I dont like myself.

I can remember being in kindergarden and getting in trouble because I constantly used the boys bathroom. I remember when I was 10 I prayed every single night that when I woke up I would be a boy. I never did get my prayers answered. Thats when I started to question religion. Im still not sure about all the religious stuff. Theres just so much contradiction everywhere. But then since I was 14 I started pretending to be a guy online. I felt so alone and wanted so bad to be a guy I started pretending to be one. I started chatting with people getting to know them and it began there. It was like an escape. They accepted me for the guy I was (so they thought). I found a cute guy and I used his pictures. It was beleieveable because he wasnt very popular but he always took pictures of himself so I had hundreds and hundreds so noone ever doubted who I was. I made so many friends. Beside the pictures, the name, and the gender I was myself. Told my true story and just chatted as I usually did. Made some good friends who now years later still think I am a guy. They are only friends so I chose not to tell them the truth even though some days I want to soooo freaking bad.

I fell in love twice. First with a women who at first accepted the fact. I apologized and told her everything and how I never wanted to keep a secret from her again. She said we can be friends but the next day she changed her mind and my heart broke. It took me many months to get over it but I did. I practically stalked her for a month.  June 16th of 2010 I fell in love with someone else. A guy. It started getting too serious and I had to tell him the truth because I knew he was a good person and so different from everyone else. He cried about it. I made a grown man cry and I didnt mean to. The good part about it is unlike the woman he understands and he doesnt hate me. Hes trying to help me work through some personal issues and at the same time he is trying to figure out what he wants. 4 months after telling him he is still around. He still says he loves me. He still shows me that he cares but he hasnt told me what he wants for the future. I want him to want to be with me. I dont know whats going to happen. I graduate in december of this year and if I dont get out of this house with all these negative people Im going to do something crazy. I already do. I cut because it makes me feel better. Its my 2nd escape. I just want to be with  him. When I graduate I want to be with him. He makes me feel like Im something when my parents make me feel like Im scum.

You probably wonder why I havent left home yet. My parents picked my University and said they wouldnt pay for it if I didnt choose otherwise. Ive always been a pushover so I never questioned it much. If I had of thought about it  I could have came up with other possibilities. I have nowhere to go now. I cant find a job I have tried and even if I do find a job I wouldnt have time because when all the school work and responsibilities around the house it consumes my life just like thoughts of death consumes my life. I just want to die. Im not brave enough to commit suicide but if someone offered I would accept. I wouldnt be angry if I had some kind of careless freak accident. Even considered finding a counselor but my insurance is crap and the health place here cant help me unless I am having thoughts of harming myself or others. The catch to that is that they will lock me up for a week or two. i know how they do. I just need something. Since I told the guy I have deleted the fake pages- thousands of friends, hundreds of pictures gone. Only problem is I still have phone numbers of people who still know me by my male identity.

Im so lost. I dont know what to do anymore.
feelingmisplaced feelingmisplaced
22-25, T
21 Responses Mar 26, 2011

I see a common theme in these situations. Sexual desire. The desire to have sex with people of your own gender. These people have such a desire to have sex with their own gender and think about it day and night constantly it begins to consume their thoughts and life. They want and desire it so much they become confused about their own gender resulting in stress,paranoia, resentment and depression. They question and doubt the bible and God. God doesnt change. The bible is clear on the subject,but we have freedom of choice to go down what road we want. It's one or the other. God doesnt say,oh ok, I know your a man and really want to have sex with a man,so no problem it's ok, because you desire it. Or woman and woman. Same thing. There is this struggle in the minds of these people who are constantly searching for a way to say it's ok,it's the right thing to do,so they CAN do it and feel right about it. Unfortunately they can never find that place,that answer,because that answer to make it feel right and acceptable to God does not exist. Therefore with these gay people there is always never ending stress,frustration,resentment,searching and confusion in their lives. It will never feel right or normal. It's impossible.

Hi feelingmisplaced

We have come across your post online and are interested in talking this through with you.

We are researching people who have relationships with people online but are using a different identity to their own. We are aiming to help people come clean and carry on their relationships to the next level.

If you would like to share your story with us and you are based in the UK, please email us at: catfish@renegadepictures.co.uk in confidence.

Hoping to hear from you soon

That's pretty interesting story you shared. I, too wish I was a boy. And I think God made me a female for a reason, but with me wearing a soft fake boy toy, I feel better about my sexuality. And recently, God gave me a message that he accepts me. It meant a lot to me.
Just because you prayed wishing to be a boy doesn't mean God would answer that. You shouldn't reject God for this reason. But I'm glad you found someone in your life who understands you. I want to do the same.

i have the same prob, im so lost. i fell in love with a guy pretending to me a sexy female. i am a girl but i fell in love with a guy who lives in my town and knows of me, hes getting suspicious..idk what to do..

i want to murder your parents, i just need an address.

When my dog started barking last night I thought it was you....coming to get my parents. I was scared lol :D Dont do it. I still love them. Pinky promise?

First of all you are you. Second you are probably to young and with zero confidence which through my experience is the most important thing in your life. your parents I hate to say are not parents in my book. SUPPORT is essential in your life right now. There is nothing wrong with you, you are just different just like the rest of us. We all have a secret. CONFIDENCE is what you are lacking. if you would like to talk, let me know.

I would like to talk. I added you to my circle.

I noticed in your comment that you said you loved others but did not love yourself. You cannot truly love others until you love yourself. You are still young. You still have time. When you find the you, you want to be, you will know that it is right. Then you can tell everyone else. This is who I am. If you like that, great, if you don't , tough.

You are a precious soul with a perfect right to happiness. Love yourself well, there is no one on earth like yourself, you come baring your own individual human gifts, you are unique and wondrous. Stop hiding your beauty by play acting about being another person, learn to appreciate that you may have certain challenges right now, but one day these very challenges will make you stronger and will allow you to be able to help others where you are right now, so that they won't suffer as you have or feel aone or sad. Hugs hugs hugs to you dear one. move forward and feel loved, you are perfect exactly as you are, I hope you realize this very soon because it is the truth! When people make fun of you ~~~know that it is because they are feeling insecure in themselves, hurting you makes them feel larger and less awkward in their own right. Forgive them, they hurt too. We are all simply human, we must try to love one another in spite of the flaws, because pain only begets pain.

Reading your post reminds me of when I was your age. I felt pretty lost and alone... but life between then and now has been a real rollercoaster. I am glad that I stuck around for it actually... even though I feel pretty hateful towards myself these days.<br />
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I am 40 now. But I feel like I am still in my 20's. Weird how time goes... and that is my biggest depression. I just want to start all over again. So... look on the brighter side kiddo... you have time to make some big changes and choices. You won't live with your parents forever. Finish school and just be grateful that you have a roof over your head. Really... I don't mean to talk down to you. It's just that you seem like you might be thinking about quitting school, and that is probably my biggest regret. It gets me down more than anything now. <br />
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There is plenty of time to worry about LOVE and RELATIONSHIPS, later. Take your parents "free ride" and get through school. Then - go out there and BE YOU! Move away from them if you need to, but at least you will have a degree and can afford to NOT have to come back if you don't want to.

Brandon, when you are under 18 us ppl over 18 cannot contact you unless u make contact first. I couldn't see any of your info or even message you. Only reply to the comment here but thanks for adding me!

are you too good to add me? i see how it is !! ;)

are you too good to add me? i see how it is !! ;)

are you too good to add me? i see how it is !! ;)

Brandon and Ripta I can't add you. Please add me. You two seem like good friends.

:(. We should be buddies =D i feel so bad for you and you're probably a really cool person. = ) add me! i made an account just for you.

:(. We should be buddies =D i feel so bad for you and you're probably a really cool person. = ) add me! i made an account just for you.

RAYVNNE went to add and message you but wasn't able to due to your privacy settings.

Thanks RAYVNNE. I almost feared that all comments would be like ******* whatever his name is. I just hate negativity and ppl quick to be jerks because they don't understand or don't want to understand. Ima add you as a friend.

to AZZHOLEJERK, go **** off. nobody asked you for an imput. <br /><br />
to sadlonleykid,im sorry that u have to go through that. it must be hard as hell n its kool that u found an output. i dont care if your a guy, girl, wolf, or fish.i think you are cool just by being you. i wish you the best of luck n if you ever want to talk, messege me.

To AZZHOLEJERK Shut up or I will come and f*** you with my strap on *****. You know you would like it you little p***y.

i know,....go buy yourself a strap on dil*o & walk around the house while it swings back & forth....