I Hate Myself And Pretend To Be Someone ElseIve been very unhappy for the last few years. Im dealing with all the issues inside. I feel that nothing ever works out. I have so many issues and only one person to really talk to but I secretly wonder what he thinks about me inside even though he supports me and lets me know he cares. Since I was a kid I felt like I should have been a male but no Im stuck in this female body. Nothing can be done about it at the moment since Im still living under my parents roof until I finish school. They dont understand me. they assume I am a lesbian which Im not. They try to make me admit that I am a lesbian. They taunt me, they tell me how bad gay people are and how they are all going to burn in hell. I know this isnt true. If there is a God he couldnt punish people who are different. He made them in his image. If he didnt want them to be that way he wouldnt have made them that way right? I like girls. I like boys. I like men I like women but I dont like myself.
I can remember being in kindergarden and getting in trouble because I constantly used the boys bathroom. I remember when I was 10 I prayed every single night that when I woke up I would be a boy. I never did get my prayers answered. Thats when I started to question religion. Im still not sure about all the religious stuff. Theres just so much contradiction everywhere. But then since I was 14 I started pretending to be a guy online. I felt so alone and wanted so bad to be a guy I started pretending to be one. I started chatting with people getting to know them and it began there. It was like an escape. They accepted me for the guy I was (so they thought). I found a cute guy and I used his pictures. It was beleieveable because he wasnt very popular but he always took pictures of himself so I had hundreds and hundreds so noone ever doubted who I was. I made so many friends. Beside the pictures, the name, and the gender I was myself. Told my true story and just chatted as I usually did. Made some good friends who now years later still think I am a guy. They are only friends so I chose not to tell them the truth even though some days I want to soooo freaking bad.
I fell in love twice. First with a women who at first accepted the fact. I apologized and told her everything and how I never wanted to keep a secret from her again. She said we can be friends but the next day she changed her mind and my heart broke. It took me many months to get over it but I did. I practically stalked her for a month. June 16th of 2010 I fell in love with someone else. A guy. It started getting too serious and I had to tell him the truth because I knew he was a good person and so different from everyone else. He cried about it. I made a grown man cry and I didnt mean to. The good part about it is unlike the woman he understands and he doesnt hate me. Hes trying to help me work through some personal issues and at the same time he is trying to figure out what he wants. 4 months after telling him he is still around. He still says he loves me. He still shows me that he cares but he hasnt told me what he wants for the future. I want him to want to be with me. I dont know whats going to happen. I graduate in december of this year and if I dont get out of this house with all these negative people Im going to do something crazy. I already do. I cut because it makes me feel better. Its my 2nd escape. I just want to be with him. When I graduate I want to be with him. He makes me feel like Im something when my parents make me feel like Im scum.
You probably wonder why I havent left home yet. My parents picked my University and said they wouldnt pay for it if I didnt choose otherwise. Ive always been a pushover so I never questioned it much. If I had of thought about it I could have came up with other possibilities. I have nowhere to go now. I cant find a job I have tried and even if I do find a job I wouldnt have time because when all the school work and responsibilities around the house it consumes my life just like thoughts of death consumes my life. I just want to die. Im not brave enough to commit suicide but if someone offered I would accept. I wouldnt be angry if I had some kind of careless freak accident. Even considered finding a counselor but my insurance is crap and the health place here cant help me unless I am having thoughts of harming myself or others. The catch to that is that they will lock me up for a week or two. i know how they do. I just need something. Since I told the guy I have deleted the fake pages- thousands of friends, hundreds of pictures gone. Only problem is I still have phone numbers of people who still know me by my male identity.
Im so lost. I dont know what to do anymore.