Pretending To Be A Girl...and Fell In Love. I've Learned My Lesson

First of I'm so glad to have seen this page and knowing that others have gone through what I am going through right now. It gives me some comfort knowing I'm not alone.

So a few years ago I started to pretend to be a girl online. Normally just for fun and just to flirt with some guys. And I stopped for a long time, until a few months ago when i met this incredible guy and we started chatting. We had so much in common that it was really uncanny and we were very alike personality and humour wise. Over the past few weeks we've gotten very close and I truly feel that I'm in love with him. We've even started "dating" and making plans for the future. He's even talked about my online persona to his parents.

But lately as I got to know him better ive slipped into some sort of deep depression. Knowing that I've met this amazing guy who is honest and very genuine...and here I am lying to him and basically just leading him on. The feeling that i can never be truely with him is gutwrenching that i question myself why i ever put myself into this position. That feeling of loving someone and knowing you can never be with them is probably one of the worst feelings an individual can feel. And maybe it is an addiction or a sickness...because what im doing to this man is cruel and just evil.

At first it was just a physical attraction but now it's much more. I've gotten myself emotionally attached to him so much so that he's the only thing I think about during my day. And today I've come to the realization that what I'm doing to him is not fair and can never be justified by my need to feel desired or whatever. And that I have to ween myself of him and not talk to him as much anymore. Because I feel like I'm wasting his time, and robbing him of that opportunity to find that right and real girl for him. Somebody to make him happy.

He makes me feel amazing when we talk and our connection is truely very deep that I think it's love. And I think I love him enough to know that what I'm doing to him is wrong and that I must stop it before we get any deeper. I don't think I can ever tell him the truth, he's been hurt so many times that I can't bear the idea of me hurting him. so I'm just going to come
Up with reasons not to talk to him until he gets over me.

I just feel so horrible that I did this to someone like him. Im fine with the pain that I'm experiencing, I feel like its my punishment and I deserve it. I just wish that he doesn't get hurt...or at least any pain that he goes through will just be my burden and not his.

I've learned my lesson the hard way, and I don't mean to preach but I hope others realize that even though the Internet seems impersonal...it's a real person on that other side. A person with feelings who deserve not to be toyed with and taken advantage of. I hope someday I can muster up the courage to apologize to him. And find out that he's happy, with kids and a family like he's always wanted. I've learned my lesson and I pray to god for the strength to never do it again to another person. I know in my heart that I won't. Feeling good for a few days or weeks is just not worth it for the pain and suffering we inflict on those we deceive, not only to them but to us as well. I think we all deserve more than that.
Lee0512 Lee0512
26-30, M
21 Responses Jul 3, 2011

I feel ya bro. I did the same once and i felt like ****. Anyways, it's not like i fell in love or anything but i really found a friend on that guy and i decided to stop speaking to him the moment he confessed that he was in love with me.It's kinda funny, because i could introduce myself with the guy as a male and be friends till today cause there were chemistry between us but at that time i was messing around with a female so yeah, i went with the flow and he assumed i was a girl. Big mistake. Now i don't do it anymore,at least not in that level of seriousness of pretending day after day. But i understand the thrill of pretending to be an online girl and can be addictive as hell if you don't control it.I dunno, maybe is because we try to represent the woman that we would fall in love with and get excited because other men gets aroused for the character that we created? It's kinda evil and manipulative indeed, but i'm pretty sure that's what book authors must feel when they know that some people fell in love with their fictional characters, you feel some kind of weird power... Or you know, you just can call me Bi or gay if you want and don't dig what i am saying, i don't mind.But yeah,honestly, when i see myself speaking as an online girl after an extensive log chat i'm like : "Wow i sound like a sexy lady i'd like to meet one day" and not because of things like "i have big boobs" but mostly because of personality traits that makes a girl hot.Now do i do it constantly? Nope, in fact, i think 2 years passed since i did that. Would i do it again? If i feel like it , of course, repressing is never a good thing, but with moderation, you know, you can have your laugh at those chat with horny guys 24/7 they won't mind,after all, they have like 50 windows opens talking to all kind ladies (or people ilke us, lol).Am i sick? Well yeah (i think?) but who can throw the first rock?

serves you right, you dirty gender bender.

Guys bending is why genuine female players have such a hard time. When I was new I had serious issues trying to ask for help because of all the stereotype. Rude requests, etc etc. I hope you learned your lesson, boy. Now go and tell the other boys to think twice before they lie to people online. Well, unless they are gay in real life and really would love to live as us.

Is anyone still reading this thread? I could share some thoughts but not if its a dead thread

I'm currently having this issue right now and I want it to stop immediately. i've been too unfair to him for so long. What would you guys recommend?

Me too

Think back to the day before you started lying online that you were a girl when you weren't. Yes, impulse management is what I recommend for guys like you. Before you start typing those cyber-flirt messages with the emoticons, just think: Do I want to be called by that name in person to my face, do I want to wear that bikini-armor thing to the lecture/work, do I really want to wear all the makeup that I put on my pixel-character online? If the answer is "hell no!" in any of these, then you should've logged out or told the truth. Yes, I'm hating on benders and I have really good reasons. Most of the cyberbullying I've encountered online wouldn't have happened if guys like you stopped bending. Your thoughtless lying made it easy for mean guys to pick on us thinking maybe she's a him. If I dared to report you benders for all the scamming and **** that you do online, if I dared to call you guys out on it in-game, you would've ganged up with your bender-bros against me and reported my *** out of the game. That's right. Benders outnumber us. In fact, it has happened. I've called someone out when I was on my alt account when they were in mid-scam and they've gotten their 4-5 guildies to report me.

You benders think it's just simple fun. Fun for you, not for us. Be more considerate!
I wasn't always cynical like this. I wasn't like this until after 5+ years getting bullied online because of people like you. Think about it. Next time, when you start a new MMO, think before you lie.

can anyone with the same problem talk to me, it's really depressing. I need some guide or advice, you can reach me on my kik: xdhampx

I've been thinking the same thing. It just hurts so much knowing the love is true but will never be. I'm mad at myself for doing it, it's been really hard. we still talk, I don't know when to stop and how, everyday he's everything I ever thought of, I can't find or get a grip of myself to just disappear. I don't wanna hurt him, but I know from the day I said I had feelings for him, the day I started pretending, both of us will hurt in the end. But it's more difficult in my part, 'cause yes as you said it's a burden I must carry, I just don't know how to deal with it right now, I've got a lot of things to say but I just really don't know where to start. Thanks for talking to me, it helped me a bit.

Add a response...

I feel like I'm walking into this right now, I am guy and I have plenty of friends and people to talk to, it's just that I don't see them often and am constantly wanting to talk to people, so I made a fake Facebook recently, pretending to be a girl just to have people to talk to and get to know, my friends list is rising pretty fast, and people always respond to my comments because I'm not considered that one kid that your social status will drop for talking to, I'm still in high school currently, and I'm starting to comment more and more on this one guys posts, he always replies happily, and is really nice, I have not messaged anyone yet, but feel like this might escalate pretty soon, most of the guys have girlfriends already already, even he does, but his friends are starting to add me, and I'm worried it might get much worse. I am straight, so I naturally dot want it to go any further than making friends and having people to chat with and listen to my problems.

Hello!
I'm currently doing a language investigation for my A Levels on the concept of men creating and utilising a female persona online. I'm mostly interested in your manipulation of language to convincingly appear as a female, and I'm wondering if you'd be willing to share some of the messages you've sent, as a female persona, to the men you've interacted with. You don't have to include anything too personal, and everything will remain completely anonymous. If this is something you'd be up for, please don't hesitate to contact me, thank you :)

Don't bend. Do you want me to call you by your female character's name when I phone your house? Do you want me to put makeup on you (the same kind that you love on your avatar?). And then when you find out that girls are getting cyberbullied online because of benders like you (regardless what excuses you benders use), will you try to avoid taking responsibility for being part of the problem... Yea I think when it matters, you will run and say you had nothing to do with it.

Think before you lie.
Real people are on the other side of the screen.
I'm already jaded and all ruined/hard but there are innocent girls online just starting out, wanting to play, and your actions will lead to them being cyberbullied until they become just like ME.

Have you no shame?

Lol shut up girl . Don't blame the bad luck in your life for "benders", look at your self and the way you express your words, you're insufferable.i don't know how can you even tolerate yourself so there's no wonder why people didn't give a flying **** about you on "MMO's".

As far as i know, you either went into a ****** gaming community or you just failed to prove that you were a girl. I dunno, your comments on this subject seems way over the top and seems like you are the type of person that likes to create drama in general zone chats, like.

You came here, as a totally arrogant and insensible person bashing against this dude that he admited with the heart of his soul that he regretted this deicsion and yet the only thing you ever have to say is "nasty bender"

Geez, you disgust me, you desever every bit of hatred that you got in those MMO's, doubt you are the kind of girl that "benders" would like to imitate, you're not real, not truth, just an arrogant girl that doesn't want to realize there's something deeply wrong with her and want to blame others for her own fault.

Finally, if a bender does a better job as a Woman than you and thus giving you a harder time with men in online games then be really worried, cause a guy is being more feminine than you. Or i don't know, perhaps you are just a frustrated Lesbian that wants to be like US.

Lol, jaded and ruined hard for a MMO... Things that we have to read these days...

I have the exact same experience, but I'm pretending to be a girl, with a girl :/ And she's bisexual... I really don't know what to do, if I should tell her who I really am. This has been going on for a year now, you can see a more detailed version of my story on my profile (it's featured) and I really need help :( I feel like the worst person in the world, I don't deserve her kindness, or her love. It really sucks..

You're right you don't deserve her kindness or love. Or respect.

Shame on you!
If you're serious that you feel sorry, then tell everyone you know in real life , yes including your parents, your female name. Then get your sister to help you put your makeup on. Go to work/lecture like that for the same amount of time that you used this persona to deceive innocent people online.

You won't do it?
You think I'm kidding? I'm not.

DO IT OR YOU ARENT REALLY SORRY.

Think before you lie.
Real people are on the other side of the screen.
I'm already jaded and all ruined/hard but there are innocent girls online just starting out, wanting to play, and your actions will lead to them being cyberbullied until they become just like ME.
Have you no shame?

I am going through the exact same thing right now. I've been with this guy, the most incredible and amazing guy for close to a year now. We met online (obviously) and live in different countries. It's just heartbreaking to know that you can never be with the guy you live, even though he's right there...*sigh* I realized what I am doing is so wrong to him, he even told his family about his "girlfriend", I don't know how I am going to get out of this without breaking his heart. I even thought about suicide just to get it over with. I'm somewhat glad to know that I am not the only one going through this. I wish I could talk to someone about this.

Think before you lie.
Real people are on the other side of the screen.
I'm already jaded and all ruined/hard but there are innocent girls online just starting out, wanting to play, and your actions will lead to them being cyberbullied until they become just like ME.
Have you no shame?

you deserve the heartbreak.
own up to what you've done, and leave that game.
zip the account up lock it away.
start new in another game and this time BE HONEST.

I am in a similar position right now. I started seeing this guy online in June last year and very quickly he had all of attention. We exchanged phone numbers. I am vey good at faking voice so I had no problem talking to him like a woman. It went very good. Things started to develop between us but I didn't realise it until it was too late. We exchanged "I love you" and he even told his parents about me. In February this year I told him that all of this was fake and he was " you did what you have to do" but I feel terrible about it because I couldn't stop thinking about him. I wanted him and I told him a few weeks later it was just a lie and I am indeed a girl but I told him that my family problems are causing me to not date him. He can't give up on us. Though he has started to come in terms with the fact that we cannot be together. He called me yesterday after 2 months of no interaction. I feel ashamed. I feel guilty of hurting someone. I feel that I have violated someone's emotions and I feel I have damaged myself too in the whole process. How can I get over it? How can I heal?

wow, now i see why i was forced to cam a guildie all those years ago. nothing nude nothing like that but still. the guildie justified his lying by saying that he thought i was bending. well, he did apologize after i showed myself on my cam. and it turned out....
it was very degrading. and then finding out that he was much, much younger than what he said in the guild... i had to leave that server because i couldnt stand the memories.
and because guys were passing my pics around (not nude, but enough to show that i couldn't be a boy). I understand now. So it wasn't completely their fault how they treated people like me. IT WAS YOUR FAULT.

people like you , are why innocent girls out there are being requested to go on cam and take picture requests just to stop their community from calling them all kinds of names.
why they hesitate before they ask for help. why they grow jaded and hard over the years.

Think before you lie.
Real people are on the other side of the screen.
I'm already jaded and all ruined/hard but there are innocent girls online just starting out, wanting to play, and your actions will lead to them being cyberbullied until they become just like ME.
Have you no shame?

Lol i swear... your comments are idiotic as hell.

Seriously, such a drama queen. Like i said , benders aren't the problem here, is you.lf a guy don't believe that you are a girl you have two options : First, you calm the f down and get on with your life or B , you go with that those premature boys says and start to show yourself on cam just to "prove a point" to people you won't even meet in your life. Or you know, just stop playing games for little kids that never got laid and want to have cybersex online. The fact that you even went as far as sending pics and showing yourself on cam to prove others that you were " a girl" is clear hint that there's something terrible wrong with you, normal girls don't care and just laugh when people think they're boys, speaking this from my experience since when i used to play wow with my girlfriend, some guys thought she was a boy and sometimes they didn't, she never gave a f about it, so why do you? So please, shut up, it's your fault that you got "cyberbullied, jarred and whatever" not "benders" , geez.

I have a similar experience too. Except I'm a guy. It all begun a year ago when I started to make a twitter account to talk to other people about TV shows & animes who has the same interest & hobbies. As a guy, no one really talked to me, so I pretended to be a girl. It didn't take long for lots of people to start talking to me. Being alone & suffering depression my whole life, I quite enjoyed the new found attention. I'm socially awkward, & find it hard to talk to people in real life let alone making friends. I feel that being online is the only escape for me, & to feel accepted even though I'm pretending to be a girl. It's the only way I can freely express myself without being judged. :/

Not long after I met these two girls. One is from German & the other is from Switzerland. All three of us met via twitter & started talking a lot, due to the same interest & hobbies we've shared. I even made a facebook account to join them to talk more via facebook inbox. I told them that I was a hairdresser, I used a random picture of a really attractive girl with purple hair I found on the net, & use that picture as the identity of my online girl persona. It's been one year already, & I have grown really closed to them. They have always been there for, listening to my stories and making me laugh, smile, & bring me a joy of friendship that I haven't experienced in a really long time. I really care & love them as friends. But at the same time I feel very guilty & awful lying to them about my identity. It's eating me up deeply in the inside, but I cannot bring myself to tell them the truth. They have trusted me so much to open up about their personal life. As a guy, they would never tell me such things or open up. It's gotten to the point where I can't even function normal without them. I truly care for them & don't want to hurt their feelings in any way. i don't want to leave them. I wish I could be the friend the great girl they think I am. >_<

I don't know what to do anymore :/

Think before you lie.
Real people are on the other side of the screen.
I'm already jaded and all ruined/hard but there are innocent girls online just starting out, wanting to play, and your actions will lead to them being cyberbullied until they become just like ME.
Have you no shame?

I do feel ashamed about it. It's something that blame myself every day & I deeply regret it.

It's not something I'm proud of doing. I came close to ending my life over this, due to feeling guilty. But I have heard that they're doing fine & have moved on, which I'm very happy about because I really do care for them.

In regards to your situation, I'm sorry to hear what you had to go through.

We all experience isolation and depression. It is easy to simply be someone we are not to gain the attention. Someday you will have to tell the truth and face your lie in order to move on. There are friends who would still remain with you, but also understandably feel betrayed for your actions. Try to come up with ways to be yourself without lying to yourself. There is someone out there for everyone in terms of relation, find those people no matter how scarce it may feel.

No truth616, no girl will go as far as ending up like you, a sad drama queen with a need for attention because she doesn't have a mind of her own and do what other guys ONLINE says.

1 More Response

I did something terrible to a guy online. I pretened to be a girl online and I wasn't doing it to flirt but to just be friendly with everyone. At first it was great I made a lot of friends but soon I a guy and I became friends as time went on he told me loved at first I was surprised and thought he was joking maybe he would get over it but I was wrong. He said he loved me and I could tell he was being serious I felt so bad because I'm a guy and I feel guilt for lieing to him I don't think I. can ever tell him the truth but I know what I did was wrong and now I must burden his pain and my guilt onto my heart. I'm a terrible person to do this to him, this wasn't my plan but now that I know how he really feels I must bear this pain. Everyone out their please don't do this to anyone be truthful because you really are hurting a human soul out their. I'm not sure if I like him or not but he likes me and for that I must take this burden for the rest of my life I just hopes he find the person he loves and I am truthfully sorry for what I have done

I never thought i'd share this story anywhere especially on a website..I just need to let this off my chest and it makes me feel a bit better that i'm not the only one who pretends to be a girl..I pretend to be a girl because I feel more..Like myself when doing so..I know it's wrong to get guys to love you pretending to be a girl and as much as it will always hurt i can't seem to stop because the good feeling that come from it are addicting like a drug...You may see me as a terrible person for this but it won't change how i am whether i'm hated for it or not..I've been doing this for years on many different MMORPG's...I'm not exactly proud of doing it but i really don't see another alternative. I have stopped for a while now but i just recently started again..like today recently..andof course i'm already making a move on this very nice polite guy...he's only a year older than me..but of course like all of them it's going to have to eventually end..I just wish that i was born the opposite sex..I don't do this for some sick pleasure..i just do this to get the love i want in the relation as a woman...andi guess this is as real as it's ever going to get..I guess this is will always just simply be a dream..If only i wasn't born a guy...at least i wasn't born a masculine one nor a weak nimble one..in all my relations it seems i enjoyed the ones as me being the woman to be the one that feels more..comfortable..I'm just glad i'm not the only one out there..and even though i don't really want to i really must stop this pretending stuff..because i have to..since it is hurting everyone i get with and live my little fantasy with..

you were bending because you genuinely had a different internal identity. it's not your fault and i feel bad for you. people should be accepting in real life, they forced you to only be able to to live as "yourself" online through a virtual persona. best wishes to you :'(

see, this is what i'm talking about...this is the only kind of bender i accept.

I feel that people open up to certain people sometimes. Like how guys feel more comfortable opening who they are around women. There are guys who can open up to other guys but because it can be considered "weird" they usually do not. There is nothing weird though naturally it is more common to have that guy to woman connection. There are other guys who would open themselves up as long as you be yourself. If you are a guy who can make another human not feel judged and comfortable, I don't believe you have to pretend to be someone you're not. It is definitely easier to just pretend to be the person you wish you could be to be loved and accepted. Just don't be afraid to try to be yourself around different people who will connect with you, the world is changing everyday, so you will be accepted.

I know it's an old post but I guess I need to share this.
I live a similar experience, except that I don't have "serious feeling" for him, just a very strong physical attraction. I think I would easily fall for him if I got to know him better though. The thing is... I'm totally aware that it's not real and completely wrong. I really find it sickening and wonder how I can be so ****** up to do things like that. It's just plain wrong.
I can't really be free with my sexuality because of family etc and my life is a mess so it might partially explain it but it's not a good reason, you can't find a good reason when it comes to manipulating people and making them believe that they talk to a person that in fact doesn't exist. Really I hope people reading this won't do the same mistake.

Think before you lie.
Real people are on the other side of the screen.
I'm already jaded and all ruined/hard but there are innocent girls online just starting out, wanting to play, and your actions will lead to them being cyberbullied until they become just like ME.
Have you no shame?

it's happening to me... I hate myself for it, because it hurts so much. well, crap I'm not even bisexual. I don't want to leave him but I have to. how can I do this without hurting him? :(

Get a sex change, problem solved.

Well, my situation is slightly more complicated, but equally frustrating. I'm a teenage girl who usually pretends to be of anonymous gender in the web, but one day I decided to experiment a little and joined a chat as "a guy." So everything was going fairly well and I met some pretty cool people, especially this guy, who we'll call "Z." He is only a year older than me, but he's much more mature than those sophomores in my high school. He is cynical, sarcastic, and outspoken. His excellent spelling and poetic choice of words were just perfect. We became friends eventually, seeing as how we shared a passion for video games and reading, but most of the times our conversation was joined by another guy, R. R is the opposite of Z, but he can be serious when the situation calls for it. Thing is, as time went on, I began liking Z much more than a friend, and everyday in school I would doodle our names in random pieces of paper and even reject hanging out with my friends in order to spend more time chatting with Z; but it doesn't end there. A year since I joined the chat, R suddenly confessed that I turned him gay and asked me to go out with me. Z was completely apathetic about it. At least, he was until a few days later, when he told a mutual friend, M, that he was beginning to become attracted to guys, more importantly, R, who, despite being rejected, still tried to court me. I feel so guilty every time the three of us chat, because it was my fault for pretending to be a guy. I still really like Z, and according to M, Z still likes R and R still likes me, but I rarely go there anymore. I'm too ashamed to go back and tell them the truth. I just hope they forget about me and move on soon.

Think before you lie.
Real people are on the other side of the screen.
I'm already jaded and all ruined/hard but there are innocent girls online just starting out, wanting to play, and your actions will lead to them being cyberbullied until they become just like ME.
Have you no shame?

im so glad im not the onley one to...at first it seemed funny when i all-ways pretended to be a girl but when i met the the nicest guy i ever knew...it all changed...he was so sure about us and that we would be together and stuff and i allways kept wishing it could happen and that it would work out...but it just couldent...we started dating and planning to meet...but we obviously couldent...Now i wish god made me a girl...being a guy really sucks and you will allways feel heart broken after a good internet relationship...i still dont know how to end it peacefully...my advice guys dont pretend to be a girl...cause at the end of the day youl feel heart broken and horrible in every way....its really cruel to other guys who like you...especially cause as a guy you know how to impress other guys....therefore the boys on the net allways fall in love with a perfect girl...also my internet relationship is on Xbox live...ive been dating this amazing guy since 2009 and its now 2012...its time to end it...somehow=(:::::

If you're serious that you feel sorry, then tell everyone you know in real life , yes including your parents, your female name. Then get your sister to help you put your makeup on. Go to work/lecture like that for the same amount of time that you used this persona to deceive innocent people online.
You won't do it?
You think I'm kidding? I'm not.
DO IT OR YOU ARENT REALLY SORRY.
Think before you lie.
Real people are on the other side of the screen.
I'm already jaded and all ruined/hard but there are innocent girls online just starting out, wanting to play, and your actions will lead to them being cyberbullied until they become just like ME.
Have you no shame?

WWHAT THE **** COMMENTS. freaks.

The same happens to me. I was just pretending to be a girl on the web just for fun. But when I know him on facebook, I fall in love by the 1st sight. He's good looking, but then I fall in love with his personality. We changing phone numbers, keep connected by texts, facebook, twitter and even planned our future date (though it seems impossible to happen). One week before our planned "date" that's on his birthday, he smells something wrong. He said why I never try to calls him. Of course I can't coz he's gonna be hurt if he knows I'm a man. Now he's avoiding me. It let me down and I can't even focus on my study. It might be awkward to love someone by this, but he's a nice bright guy to be honest. at least I know he's seeing some else soon. Wish the best of him. Hope I will be with you on our next life. I love him, with all my heart. god's is unfair :"( I'm so glad I'm not the only one facing off this problem :")

If you're serious that you feel sorry, then tell everyone you know in real life , yes including your parents, your female name. Then get your sister to help you put your makeup on. Go to work/lecture like that for the same amount of time that you used this persona to deceive innocent people online.
You won't do it?
You think I'm kidding? I'm not.
DO IT OR YOU ARENT REALLY SORRY.
Think before you lie.
Real people are on the other side of the screen.
I'm already jaded and all ruined/hard but there are innocent girls online just starting out, wanting to play, and your actions will lead to them being cyberbullied until they become just like ME.
Have you no shame?

Same happen to me...I finally got enough courage to tell him the truth, were still working out but now I feel guilty for all the lying. I thought the whole pretending be a girl thing online would be cool but I feel like a freak! I hate myself for being so selfish and playing with others emotions, it's a horrible thing to do and I learned my lesson. I'll never do it again in my life. It may seem hard but you did the right thing. It'll get easier. I'm glad I'm not alone with this problem, it's comforting people have the same problem with internet pretending. :(

good. you should feel guilty. your thoughtless lies hurt so many people, you idiot. i hope you learned your lesson!

If you're serious that you feel sorry, then tell everyone you know in real life , yes including your parents, your female name. Then get your sister to help you put your makeup on. Go to work/lecture like that for the same amount of time that you used this persona to deceive innocent people online.
You won't do it?
You think I'm kidding? I'm not.
DO IT OR YOU ARENT REALLY SORRY.
Think before you lie.
Real people are on the other side of the screen.
I'm already jaded and all ruined/hard but there are innocent girls online just starting out, wanting to play, and your actions will lead to them being cyberbullied until they become just like ME.
Have you no shame?