Pretending To Be A Girl...and Fell In Love. I've Learned My LessonFirst of I'm so glad to have seen this page and knowing that others have gone through what I am going through right now. It gives me some comfort knowing I'm not alone.
So a few years ago I started to pretend to be a girl online. Normally just for fun and just to flirt with some guys. And I stopped for a long time, until a few months ago when i met this incredible guy and we started chatting. We had so much in common that it was really uncanny and we were very alike personality and humour wise. Over the past few weeks we've gotten very close and I truly feel that I'm in love with him. We've even started "dating" and making plans for the future. He's even talked about my online persona to his parents.
But lately as I got to know him better ive slipped into some sort of deep depression. Knowing that I've met this amazing guy who is honest and very genuine...and here I am lying to him and basically just leading him on. The feeling that i can never be truely with him is gutwrenching that i question myself why i ever put myself into this position. That feeling of loving someone and knowing you can never be with them is probably one of the worst feelings an individual can feel. And maybe it is an addiction or a sickness...because what im doing to this man is cruel and just evil.
At first it was just a physical attraction but now it's much more. I've gotten myself emotionally attached to him so much so that he's the only thing I think about during my day. And today I've come to the realization that what I'm doing to him is not fair and can never be justified by my need to feel desired or whatever. And that I have to ween myself of him and not talk to him as much anymore. Because I feel like I'm wasting his time, and robbing him of that opportunity to find that right and real girl for him. Somebody to make him happy.
He makes me feel amazing when we talk and our connection is truely very deep that I think it's love. And I think I love him enough to know that what I'm doing to him is wrong and that I must stop it before we get any deeper. I don't think I can ever tell him the truth, he's been hurt so many times that I can't bear the idea of me hurting him. so I'm just going to come
Up with reasons not to talk to him until he gets over me.
I just feel so horrible that I did this to someone like him. Im fine with the pain that I'm experiencing, I feel like its my punishment and I deserve it. I just wish that he doesn't get hurt...or at least any pain that he goes through will just be my burden and not his.
I've learned my lesson the hard way, and I don't mean to preach but I hope others realize that even though the Internet seems impersonal...it's a real person on that other side. A person with feelings who deserve not to be toyed with and taken advantage of. I hope someday I can muster up the courage to apologize to him. And find out that he's happy, with kids and a family like he's always wanted. I've learned my lesson and I pray to god for the strength to never do it again to another person. I know in my heart that I won't. Feeling good for a few days or weeks is just not worth it for the pain and suffering we inflict on those we deceive, not only to them but to us as well. I think we all deserve more than that.