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To Many Lies.

Hello, My name is Amanda I'm 22 and I have been pretending since I was 14. I can remember every single boy I have done this to, and from time to time I will go and check up on them to see how their lives have turned out. I know that pretending has been a huge addiction of mine, as it has been difficult to stop though I am and making progress at it. I never realized there were other women and men just like me who did the same ****** up stuff as I did, I just always thought I had deep troubles that kept me from being a normal girl and that I was alone. While I was pretending I became such an amazing manipulator, years of practice years of trial and error at lying has made me pristine in that department, and I know that is nothing to be proud of. Pretending is such an amazing high at first, meeting a silly boy who just wants love and to give love and of course I would do that I would give them as much affection possible, becoming a dream to them being that girl that they have always wanted. Making them think twice about who they are and how in the world they were able to pull in such a amazing yet stunning girl and then truly making them believe its forever, make them care about me and love me to no end. My pretending was always so deep, as if I seriously thought it would all work out and they would love me forever, a short high it is. The power of it all is the addiction, the lying, being someone I'm not, escaping my own life and being someone eles, who is perfect, beautiful and confident... all the characteristics I have always lacked. Its been so long since I started my fake life, I never would take time to sit down and think of me and my life and my problems it was always so easy to escape, so easy I would do. The boys are only half of my addiction, the feeling they give me is the best and the ego boost is amazing. Being told that I am gorgeous, smart and funny and a dream come true, that I have the most amazing personality, that I am cute, loving, kind and sweet.. that is the most addictive. Having someone send you gifts, cards, flowers and candies is nice as well but always will come the dark side of things, when you hang up the phone or get off the computer and remember who you are and what you don't deserve. 

Pretending is such a dark thing, I can't say I don't miss it at times.. who the **** likes being their self constantly. For years every day I was never myself, if I wasn't on the phone with a boy I was on the computer, I was playing online games I would stay up all night until I couldn't keep my eyes open and the only time I had to be me was when I laid down at night, for a quick moment before my body crashed I would think about how messed up I was. And for the longest time that's how I liked things, I didn't have to worry about what I looked like, what I wore, who I talked to.. I didn't have to go out with friends, my social life became a phone call away, or getting on the internet. I dislike the feeling of knowing that no body finds me attractive, that's how I have always felt about myself but online I always knew that there were guys who liked me because they thought I was hot. I think that is what I miss the most about it but that doesn't mean I will ever go back, I'm determined to deal with myself and work through my issues and be me. What made me stop? I met a boy who I lied to, it became to much I had gotten so tired of lying it would irritate me plus this boy happened to be the hardest I experienced he is so damn smart, in a way he worked it out of me. Being told he would love me no matter what really helped, and at the time I thought, well if he doesn't love me still it wasn't going to last either way. Fortunately he loves me and he helps me more than you will ever know, he knows who I am now and my life and everything about it every aspect of me he sees and it is an amazing feeling. I never thought I was worth it or deserved it for someone to love me for who I am, I can't say its not hard because it is I am so negative about myself, after years of thinking I am so flawed. There are days when I wake up and I just want to go be someone eles, nights when I think about all my lies just so I don't think of myself, however my favorite nights are spent thinking of him and so I no longer need to be someone eles to get my mind off myself I can think of our future together how I love him and how I can never thank him enough for what he has done for me. Finding love through all this mess I created is such a surprise, I know I don't deserve it after all the heartache I have caused but I am so grateful.

Anyone who is reading this and might have the same problems as I had, please read my story and take it into consideration that what you are doing is horrible for yourself, you deserve so much more and it is such a waste of time. I wish someone would of told me this long ago, there is no need to waste your life on lies, broken dreams and heartache you are worth so much more and so is the person you are pretending to. Don't be selfish don't think only your feelings matter because that is farthest from the truth, what you do to these men and women you pretend to sticks with them they remember, and they hurt. Let go of your lies, get ahold of yourself, don't let anyone tell you that you are crazy an give yourself a chance, what you are doing cant last forever. I know my advice won't sink in but if you read at least know, just always remember you are beautiful bby, you are, not what you do but who you are, and one day someone will see it if you let them.

Also, this really helped me, got things off my chest I can't just chat about this with anyone so thank you for reading! :)
mandatootsie mandatootsie 22-25, F 5 Responses Sep 12, 2011

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I agree with Puer, very rarely do you read Imposters here admit remorse about their manipulations. I commend you for that and I am happy you are progressing beyond this dangerous and damaging behavior.<br />
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Like Puer I too was the "mark" of an online imposter's game. What began as innocent discussions of a common interest spawned into turning my life upside down. All for someone's amusement or to satisfy their personality disorder. I accept my share of responsibility for not recognizing tell-tale signs and ignoring obvious ones, but the blatant lies and gross manipulations by this person are inexcusable.<br />
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I too believe my imposter who called herself "Stacia" and had manufactured family and friends, has moved on to another unsuspecting victim (or two). My name might still slip from her lips to these new marks only to be propped by some self-preserving lie as to why I'm no longer around (as the stories I heard about those before me), the story only revealed to propagate her latest role.<br />
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I hope one day she comes to the same realization you have and can seek resolution to her problems.

I like that someone used the word victim and actually expressed some remorse in this group. I was manipulated and had my heart toyed with all for the whim of someone online. I dont think my chameleon feels any remorse and has probably moved onto to someone else w/ whom she can feed her insecurities on.<br />
This is my story:<br />
http://howididnotmeetcharlottefroom.blogspot.com/2008/12/how-i-never-met-charlotte-froom.html

everything you describe in your story is 100% how I felt/did/went through. I always felt guilty lying to the poor people I was talking to. They fell in love/became best friends with a girl that wasn't even "me". In the end it was down to the point that the guilt was starting to hurt so much. I couldn't take it anymore and I told my online "friends" the truth. In the end they forgave me. One still texts me everyday :) and the boy that "loved" me still texts me once and a while. It's not the same.. But I am so happy that I told them. It felt like something heavy was lift from my shoulders and I am so happy how things turned out for me. And I am thrilled how things turned out for you as well! :) I wish you a good life!

Thank you for your feedback, it makes me happy to know my story might be able to help someone eles out. Sorry to hear things didn't work out for you, but at least you can be yourself now I know the sense of relief you must feel. Just know everything will always turn out for the best & everyone you meet is for a reason, in some way she helped you as you helped her.

Wow that is stunning. You are so inspirational. Thank you. I pretended for a very long time. I finally told the truth a few days ago, and it is bittersweet. On one hand, I am glad it's out in the open and I no longer lie, on the other hand, I feel like I've lost the best friend I've ever had. However, she was desperately in love with the person she thought I was and not me as I really am. I broke her heart and I am so terribly sorry for what I did to her. We tried to continue to talk but it isn't working and I think that's probably for the best. I urge anyone that is pretending to be someone you are not, to end it by either telling the truth, or stopping and never ever do it again. It's crushing both for the victim and for the person doing it. I hope you take courage from mandatootsie's story, I have.