To Many Lies.Hello, My name is Amanda I'm 22 and I have been pretending since I was 14. I can remember every single boy I have done this to, and from time to time I will go and check up on them to see how their lives have turned out. I know that pretending has been a huge addiction of mine, as it has been difficult to stop though I am and making progress at it. I never realized there were other women and men just like me who did the same ****** up stuff as I did, I just always thought I had deep troubles that kept me from being a normal girl and that I was alone. While I was pretending I became such an amazing manipulator, years of practice years of trial and error at lying has made me pristine in that department, and I know that is nothing to be proud of. Pretending is such an amazing high at first, meeting a silly boy who just wants love and to give love and of course I would do that I would give them as much affection possible, becoming a dream to them being that girl that they have always wanted. Making them think twice about who they are and how in the world they were able to pull in such a amazing yet stunning girl and then truly making them believe its forever, make them care about me and love me to no end. My pretending was always so deep, as if I seriously thought it would all work out and they would love me forever, a short high it is. The power of it all is the addiction, the lying, being someone I'm not, escaping my own life and being someone eles, who is perfect, beautiful and confident... all the characteristics I have always lacked. Its been so long since I started my fake life, I never would take time to sit down and think of me and my life and my problems it was always so easy to escape, so easy I would do. The boys are only half of my addiction, the feeling they give me is the best and the ego boost is amazing. Being told that I am gorgeous, smart and funny and a dream come true, that I have the most amazing personality, that I am cute, loving, kind and sweet.. that is the most addictive. Having someone send you gifts, cards, flowers and candies is nice as well but always will come the dark side of things, when you hang up the phone or get off the computer and remember who you are and what you don't deserve.
Pretending is such a dark thing, I can't say I don't miss it at times.. who the **** likes being their self constantly. For years every day I was never myself, if I wasn't on the phone with a boy I was on the computer, I was playing online games I would stay up all night until I couldn't keep my eyes open and the only time I had to be me was when I laid down at night, for a quick moment before my body crashed I would think about how messed up I was. And for the longest time that's how I liked things, I didn't have to worry about what I looked like, what I wore, who I talked to.. I didn't have to go out with friends, my social life became a phone call away, or getting on the internet. I dislike the feeling of knowing that no body finds me attractive, that's how I have always felt about myself but online I always knew that there were guys who liked me because they thought I was hot. I think that is what I miss the most about it but that doesn't mean I will ever go back, I'm determined to deal with myself and work through my issues and be me. What made me stop? I met a boy who I lied to, it became to much I had gotten so tired of lying it would irritate me plus this boy happened to be the hardest I experienced he is so damn smart, in a way he worked it out of me. Being told he would love me no matter what really helped, and at the time I thought, well if he doesn't love me still it wasn't going to last either way. Fortunately he loves me and he helps me more than you will ever know, he knows who I am now and my life and everything about it every aspect of me he sees and it is an amazing feeling. I never thought I was worth it or deserved it for someone to love me for who I am, I can't say its not hard because it is I am so negative about myself, after years of thinking I am so flawed. There are days when I wake up and I just want to go be someone eles, nights when I think about all my lies just so I don't think of myself, however my favorite nights are spent thinking of him and so I no longer need to be someone eles to get my mind off myself I can think of our future together how I love him and how I can never thank him enough for what he has done for me. Finding love through all this mess I created is such a surprise, I know I don't deserve it after all the heartache I have caused but I am so grateful.
Anyone who is reading this and might have the same problems as I had, please read my story and take it into consideration that what you are doing is horrible for yourself, you deserve so much more and it is such a waste of time. I wish someone would of told me this long ago, there is no need to waste your life on lies, broken dreams and heartache you are worth so much more and so is the person you are pretending to. Don't be selfish don't think only your feelings matter because that is farthest from the truth, what you do to these men and women you pretend to sticks with them they remember, and they hurt. Let go of your lies, get ahold of yourself, don't let anyone tell you that you are crazy an give yourself a chance, what you are doing cant last forever. I know my advice won't sink in but if you read at least know, just always remember you are beautiful bby, you are, not what you do but who you are, and one day someone will see it if you let them.
Also, this really helped me, got things off my chest I can't just chat about this with anyone so thank you for reading! :)
mandatootsie 22-25, F 5 Responses 9 Sep 12, 2011