Pretending To Be The Person Of My Dreams

It's a little odd to find so many people sharing experiences that seem at least a little bit similar to mine. I've always felt very much alone in this, not in the sense that I actually thought I was alone but in the sense that there just never seemed to be a place where such things are talked about.

I am guy who, from time to time, likes to pretend to be someone else online. Usually I pretend to be a girl, and after thinking about it I have come to the conclusion that the type of person I pretend to be is usually what seems to me to be the "perfect" person, or who I would like the most at that time. Basically, I take on the characteristics that I myself would find most appealing in someone. I'm not gay at all, and I know this sounds strange, but I think that, basically, I hate myself so much that if I can feel just a little bit like that person who myself and others would love it gives me this insane and addictive rush of feeling liked and appreciated (maybe even loved) by myself and others. I guess for a little while I get to not only feel neutral about myself but actually ridiculously positive about myself, even though it's just pretend.

Luckily, I have never used this to draw people into any sort of long term relationship. I always cut it off before it gets to that... so I think I haven't hurt other people as much as I could have (of course I acknowledge it is still hurtful, and I am not trying to justify or minimize that). Interestingly, the rush I get from it only seems to last a few days, maybe a week, at a time so I usually carry on for just a short time before the guilt overpowers the pleasure of it and I delete my fake personas. Nevertheless, I can't seem to stop coming back and creating new ones every few months or so.

I have been doing this ever since I was 11 years old, and I'm 26 now. I think that it is symptomatic of some underlying issues that have led to me having great difficulty making friends and initiating relationships, which makes me lonely a lot of the time nowadays even though I am not that bad looking and even though I am far from incapable of being a good friend and interesting person (I say those things after long, serious, and objective reflection, most of the time my self esteem sucks).

I would like nothing more than to be free of this and, what is more, to be able to like myself the way I am and to have no need to feel like I'm someone else for awhile.

Why did I post this here? I don't even know. I guess it's just the first time I ever stumbled into anyone sharing an experience similar to mine so it seemed interesting.
drherpenderp drherpenderp
26-30, M
2 Responses Sep 5, 2012

Ever since I was young and watched movies with people I liked, I pretended to be my favourite characters in them. They were usually guys. (I'm a girl) It's sort of carried through now. I pretend to be my dream guy, like role play by myself. It's so bizarre. Like being an asexual plant or something. I know exactly what you're talking about with the addictive rush too. I almost always feel it when I'm pretending; I've never been able to put it into words.

I know the feeling man I actually took someone I know picture and pretended to be them in the end I got caught and told the truth and telling the truth felt great I am still friends with the people I lied to as myself though not as the person in the picture, hmm I dunno maybe you need some real friends like take some time from the computer the internet whatever if you have this certain urge to get onto a computer and log onto the internet find other things to distract you so you won't get bored and make up another persona, good luck bro.