I Don't Know How To Stop Pretending

I'm a girl and i've been pretending to be a guy for about 7 years. It started out as a joke between a friend and I and I never meant to take it this far but I never knew how to stop either. I've had a few "online girlfriends" and created a whole life for this guy. I've always had self esteem issues and that doesn't justify what I did but I feel that by pretending to be someone else I can forget how negative I am about who I am or what I look like. I've always believed I was straight but now I think I might have feelings for the girl i'm talking to. She doesn't deserve what i'm doing to her and I have tried to "break up" with her but she has gotten to a point where she threatened to hurt herself and has low self esteem issues. I feel that if I tell her the truth she might do something stupid. But at the same time i'm tired of the lies and living a double life. I have become so consumed with this other character that I lost myself along the way. Not only that but i'm bringing an innocent person down with me. I don't know what to do anymore. I don't have anyone to talk to about this. I'm sorry about all the rambling I had to get this out.
anonymous9110 anonymous9110
18-21, F
4 Responses Dec 27, 2012

wow...you did get yourself in a mess. I hope you find it in yourself to tell her the truth. Let her know that you really enjoyed talking to her and that you hope you can still be friends. You can help each other out by being friends. If she does'nt except you, well you had that coming. After that, it is time to start focusing on yourself. Take advantage of the situation and work on a new feminine look. I mean get into the whole girly thing and feel beautiful about the woman you are. Looks are only skin deep! If you are a beautiful person inside let it show outside!

I hope you found the courage to release the truth, I've been through same situation as you and I finally got the truth out there. I'm now free and focused on me, no more double life or lies. The people I hurt don't want anything to do with me, which is fair enough but I feel so much better in my self.

Good luck, if you ever need a friend or a listening ear I am here..

You posted this story quite a while ago so Im not sure what your current status is as far as whether or not you've told the truth or continued your behavior. Your story is very similar to mine. Especially the part about the self harm. I witheld the truth for the longest because I feared my girl would kill herself. One night I just broke down and told her that I was a fake. It crushed her but she ended up accepting the real me. While this may not be an expected outcome for you and everyone else, at least you can feel the relief of letting the truth out. As soon as I told her I instantly felt like a huge weight was lifted off of my shoulders. It was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do but it was worth it. The longer you keep it in, the worse it will be. One of the main things she told me that hurt her was that I lied for so long and that she wished I'd of told her sooner. We chose this for ourselves. It's our mess, and we must clean it up. Right your wrongs, be true to yourself, be honest, and move forward so you can lead a happy and healthy life. Best of luck to you.

Sometime all you need is 20 seconds of insane courage...
Take a breathe,
And let her know...