ManipulatorI am just new here and I am the kind of guy with a superficially low self-esteem and due to this I am very reluctant to share this to anyone else because I fear criticisms but due to this feeling I'm bearing, I thought to myself that only my last resort-- the internet-- can help me about the matter. After all, I have always thought to myself that hiding on the internet with my real identity and finding good keeping on it (such as on this site, social sites and to online games as well) will make me feel better despite all of this, with which I'll be telling you. Actually, the category with which this falls is to a sort of being a story and a confession.
I am 19 years of age, studying in a state university, living with my parents. I was a victim of school teaching harassment when I was on my 1st grade (although it never recurred again until I graduated in elementary). I had also been a victim of extreme and critical bullying when I was in my high school years up to present (an exclusive catholic school only for men)-- from being a freshman, graduating from being a senior and now on my fourth year on this college course. Since that harassment from my first grade experience occurred, I never ever told my parents what has been actually happening to "me" even up until now.
My parents, since I was on my first grade, had a very high expectations on me, to the point that they beat me if ever I get low remarks from my grades. Whenever they reprimand me about some of even just being a mediocre remark, they always tell me that they aren't the ones who had been sustaining my very high tuition fees and school expenses, and I must pay that back through at least excelling in my educational performance but I'm just a mere human who commits mistakes... I am not perfect and I cannot be what they want... They always say even if it isn't my choice to enter that school, it is for my own good (even though that time they NEVER asked me what I actually want to be good). Reluctant as an immortal losing his never-ending life for a piece of cookie, I pursued and try to satisfy them by giving them what they want to the best that I can with all of my efforts, despite being maltreated at school with unprofessional mentors (mocking a student grievously by making him embarrassed in front of class from making a mistake or forcing him to go out or making him stand on his chair for the whole 2-hour period, disallowing students to go out of the room to pee [reaching to the point of students already peeing on their seats] and even beating) although that system slightly went to truce up until my sixth grade because nuns had taken over the school.
I developed a mindset since then and all throughout until today that teachers and the likes are not the ones who can be trusted and are personally vicious against their students. I also lost confidence to correct things in proper way from my own mistakes because I am afraid that it might result to me being reprimanded and beaten just like my parents and my former teachers doing. Whenever I get beaten by my parents, I never beg them to stop-- I pull my emotions and tears back and endure the pain. I softly weep under the blankets and in the dark whenever they're already away and making sure they won't hear or see it because whenever my parents heard me that I do, they'll even come back and beat me again, reprimand me to shut up or stop. Since then, I always felt that no one really loves me. Luckily, there's internet-- my beer.
I thought my life will all be set, until high school life have entered. Teachers are back and new faces arrived. I start to feel I am not welcome and not ready to adjust. That feeling of being uneasiness from committing something wrong flared; it was now an exclusive catholic school for men, and my parents have this expectation now pressuring me even harder. All I thought was a blunder, because it has been worse than I have ever imagined.
It was first day of classes. I am a bit early for our first class so it gave me an opportunity to look over the new faces coming ahead. I thought they would be nice as it seems with our holistic catholic uniforms, but it was not. My fears and emotions were rekindled even stronger; I am being bullied. Every single day, my classmates beat me up as if I am a punching bag. They hang up my bag up the ceiling and kicks out my stuffs on the floor to the point that they will tear up its papers. Whenever there's a group activity, no one wants me to join them, rendering me to always work alone (except for math class activities, since I really excelled on it). Whenever there's an outdoor activity, no one wants to sit beside me on shuttles, up to 1 seat apart from the front, sides and back. They always tell me that I must stay away from them because I stink and my face looks so gay and ugly. I knew to myself that I AM NOT, but what can I do... They're almost a hundred, I'm just one... I thought of myself as a dummy now...
I never attended my Physical Education class even just once due to my thinking that our teacher looks like a terrorist (she always look at me very bad as if she'll eat me) and that subject rejects me because my classmates didn't want to play with me, anyway. I never worked out my plates on our Group Art class since no one wants me to join them. I often create letters of excuses to get out of the campus in earlier times (the campus doesn't allow students to go out while class hours), while telling my parents different stories while I have been going home early. I came to a point that I didn't want to go to school anymore. My devotion to internet grew even stronger-- I say, addiction. I pretend to my parents that I will enter school at morning and return back to an even earlier time, keeping the allowance for that day to go to an internet cafe. I knew at first that they will surely investigate about that matter in secrecy by following me; I wasn't wrong. I go straight from home to campus chapel (where they are restricted to enter, located outside the campus and is not always the place where school people stay long) and remain there for some hours until I feel they're gone (or they're actually gone, when I see them or their "scouts" following me). Also, to make sure that the school administrators won't get alarmed about my absences and call the attention of my parents, I always have these letters of excuses even with medical certificates with forged signatures onto them every time I go in appearance again, as if it is really legitimate. Of course, bullying still remains, but I make sure my parents will still never know about it by intense enduring, even if I have bruises all over my body due to beatings and all over my whole self due to humiliation.
I usually go on to a trance of submissiveness especially to other people, even when my classmates will just approach me nicely. I wanted for real care, love and that feeling of having a company very bad (which I cannot seem to find on my parents ever since from the start and up until now), that's why I always fall up even being their "slave". I engaged myself in excessive self-sacrifice to other people even if I didn't know them (most notable on the internet and online games) and even though they don't solicit it at all. I try to show other people especially to those who never knew me that "I am not worst as what others say!". I lost the trust on my own abilities and instead, I entrust what I can do to others as if I am their tool. I became masochistic.
Dreadful-looking and gay-- as if that 4 years of hellish life of being a high school student is its gavage to my brain. My mind took it even if I didn't want to. I also felt a need of affection, but my mind poisoned me to think that a girl will never love me due to my appearance, so I went to the resort of what they think I am-- I sought men. I used my vast space at the internet to cover myself under a mask. I pretended to be a girl out of my demand of someone whom I can lean on. I thought my submissiveness plus a cover of having a beautiful appearance can please me. I became a notorious identity thief, creating a "web" of network where I can manipulate someone to stay with me using the internet. I was successful in doing so, playing with other people's emotions and lives. All of them came and went, and my brain felt little regrets, even though some of them felt devastated after I "detached" them on my little world of lies.
I graduated high school. I wanted to have college in a course that I want but was never given, thanks to the ever-vigilant expectations of my parents. I attempt to escape it by enrolling the money onto a different course in hiding, but it didn't take long before they knew it since the very next semester I failed to enroll on it because my parents have already settled a deal with my records to restrict me from doing so. Since then, I felt as if I am a prisoner with no exact date as of when I can bail myself out of them...
Bullying never ended. My network of social engineering also shattered because so unluckily, one of the people I have been fooling at ever since in it has been my classmate at that same course (he caught me from my cellphone), foiling everything I've started at and destroying my "clean" history, both on web and real life, but it didn't hindered me to continue. I kept going incognito, and this time, I became more aggressive. I now make use of sum of money to keep intact with my manipulative social engineering coming from my parents (I sometimes even steal to them in real-time). I deal with other people to connive with me. I procrastinate for internet to a point that I don't attend some subjects. No matter how many times I get physically or psychologically battered from being bullied or from being gravely reprimanded by my family or someone else, my whole self almost reacts nothing like being immune to it (I even answer back to my family in a disrespecting tone). The gavage of the past completely put me into this...
Will I ever have a life? Will I ever find someone who can give me the feeling of getting REALLY loved again? What can I do? I have been trying to rebuild myself but I'm already devastated at the first place-- what more if rebuilding it will pass through crushing myself even more by admitting of all the lies I've stored in over hundreds of people's lives? I've made some people went to crying out on me, asking assistance from me, wishing on me that I don't leave them, begging and pleading on me just because of a fake affection, fake love, fake identity... I pity myself so much for this but I can't do anything about it...
xwindsor 18-21 0 Dec 31, 2012