The Lies Behind My Pretty Little Face.

I started faking right when I got my first computer 5 years ago. I was a little girl, only in elementary school. I signed up for a chatting website by the name of "Meez." At first, I created a real account of myself. Of course I was underage, so I got the idea..... It would be easier if I was someone else. Who would know, right? So I made my first account. Then a couple more. None of them were really who I was and I started being a guy, and I dated over 30 girls, maybe even more.. About 10 were serious. Only 2 made a big, big impact on my life. We'll get to that in a second. I was only 9 or 10 years old when I created the first account, but I met this girl named Gabby. I went by the name Alex, and she believed every word I said. We started talking on the phone, I used the deepest voice I could use, and boy did she love it. We got serious. She told me she as 15, but truely she was only 10. Same exact age as I was. Same grade. Everything. It was crazy because I didnt tell her the truth. So we met about a year before we started talking again. She was like "Hey dont I know you??(:" and from that day.... we started dating. We were 11. She was going by 13, and I was going by the age of 15. We both lied, but the difference was... she was real. I was a guy.... Which I'm really just an ordinary girl. No one knew I was doing this online, I was a popular, pretty girl at school. I kept talking to her until I was 12, At that point I knew EVERYTHING about her, and she knew me pretty well. The fake me. I told her who I really was when she found out I was fake. I was faking a guy on youtube, taking his pictures. I told her who I really was and she was ok with it. We were friends for a month or two, then she started hating me. Who could blame her? She turned lesbian and is now dating a girl in her state. (she lives in oregon, i live in chicago.) I wasnt depressed, I didnt hate myself. The reason I did this was because I wanted to be an emo cute guy. (I hate emo things now, it was a phase.) I started getting fat, (lost all the weight now though.) and I realized, I hated my body and it would be easier to be someone else, again. So right at this moment, 2013, i am faking a 16 year old boy with a different girl. She loves me. She's in love with me. It's been a year and every day she tells me how much she wants to be with me. I text her and call her all day, everyday. I'm planning to tell her who i really am soon because this is not only taking over her life, but its making a bad bad impact on my life. I don't think i'll really tell her i'm a girl, i'll just dump her and make an excuse and change my number and never talk to her again. It's so hard to let go... I'm so in love with her. I want to be this gorgeous guy she thinks shes dating. I really, really do. I want to go to Massachusetts and kiss her and make love to her. If only I was really who I was faking to be. She thinks im this beautiful guy, but in reality im just a blonde haired, blue eyed girl whos life is perfect. I love who I am in real life, I dont know why i'm faking. This experience has made me much more "grown up" than I should be. I always crave love and want to make love to boys, although I'm bi. This experience has turned me bi because of the amount of girls I have dated. Now that it's been a year, I can't let go. I wasted 5 precious years faking and faking and I ruined my childhood. I wish I could go back and tell my 9 year old self, Don't do it. No one do it. It's a waste of time, you'll wish you could go back. But you will never be able to.