3 Years Later..About 3 years ago I was a sophomore in high school, and just recently had become homeschooled. I made an account as myself on a random site and never could get any notice from anyone so I deleted my profile. About 2 weeks later I came back to said site but as someone else. As soon as I entered chatrooms I was overwhelmed with all the popularity I received, a few days later I was addicted. I was spending so much time on the computer and talking to people as this really attractive girl that it consumed me.
Within that month I had made a bestfriend on that site, he was amazing and we were such opposites it was a wonder how well we connected. Weeks went by and he admited wanting to be with me. I couldn't do that to him knowing I was fake so I told him I didn't feel the same and continued on being this other girl. 2 years went by and I began falling for my online bestfriend even though it was all technically a lie. I created a whole other world online, it wasn't too much different from my own other than some small differences.
The girl I was faking to be was multiple races, I'm just 2, she had 2 brothers a sister and 1 nephew, but in my version she had 4 brothers 2 nieces and 2 nephews one which had fallen ill and passed away. However the nephew that passed is real life me's nephew.
By then I was in such an illusion that this fake life could actually be mine I confessed my feelings for my online bestfriend and we began dating. We dated for a year and 3 months. In that time I fell madly in love with him, but It was all a lie. On our 1 year anniversary I made another fake profile of a boy just to kinda get things out of my online boyfriend so they quickly became friends.
Having 2 fakes overwhelmed me, my boy fake had made instant connections with people and my girl fake was friends with them too it was like a big circle of friends. It wasn't until recently I decided to come as real me and tell one of the girls my boy fake was friends with that he wasn't real. It didn't take her long to realize and she messaged me saying its you isn't it you're the boy. I couldn't deny it any longer I confessed everything. But I had no heart to tell the boy I fell in love with that it was me so I lied and said it was one of my friends. I knew his preference the way he talked down upon people and I knew I didn't fit his type so to spare my heartache I lied, again.
It's been almost 2 days since I got rid of every account that I had open of my 2 fakes. At first I felt a slight relief, I could finally be myself. But now as it settled in I realized the people I never went a day without talking to are now no longer in my life. My heart aches, I've read posts saying it gets easier but I don't know, it was more that a simple heartbreak I broke my own heart, along with 3 others. 3 hearts I dearly loved, some can say I didn't love them because I wasn't honest, but in reality I was not fake in the way I lived or anything just about my name and face. All that I ever said was honesty. I do also believe it's because I never told the truth to my now ex online boyfriend. A boy that I have forever ruined, a boy that has never fallen in love and the first time he ever did, it was a lie. I hate myself because of that, I hate that he isn't accepting, I hate that he's prideful and has an ego. I hate I wasn't perfect enough as myself to be able to steal his heart as me. I will never forget this expirience. Ever.
All I'd like to say, to: M.A.B, V.J.R, and L.S, is that I'm sorry. I never intended it to go this far I've dug a hole too deep to get out of so no I bury myself in it, along with my lies and childish ways.
kclichee 18-21, F 2 Responses 3 Jan 19, 2013