The Truth Finally Set Me Free

So I shared my story on here a couple months ago. I'm a 23 year old bisexual girl who was pretending be a guy online and ended up falling in love with this girl I was lying to. I never did it to be mean or spiteful, but it was very selfish of me. I was at a very lonely point in my life and created my fake persona to try and take the loneliness away. At the end of the day though, it doesn't take it away. It makes it worse. The guilt was awful. Day after day it only got worse. I can actually write this with a clear conscience. For the longest time I was in a deep pit of lies. I was hopeless. I had enjoyed being my fake male character but I hated lying to her because I grew to love and care for her so much. I never wanted to tell her the truth because I couldn't bear to hurt her. My plan was gonna be to just one day disappear and cut off all contact.Things were complicated though because I was dealing with a very vulnerable and fragile person. A person who grew to love and need me to the point where it worried me. In doing this you get so lost in the lies that you lose sight of the damage you are doing to the person/people that you're deceiving. I cared for her far too much to just abandon her. After 8 months of lying to her, I couldn't take it anymore. I fell for her so hard. So hard, that I just couldn't keep doing it to her. 3 weeks ago I broke completely down and told her the truth. She was crushed, hurt, and completely shocked. I must've apologized a million times and I told her the truth about everything. I expected her to hate me. To not want anything to do with me. In a strange twist though she actually wanted to get to know the real me. It has been a very awkward process but she's getting to know the real me pretty well. It's still difficult for her to differentiate between the real me and my male persona but overall she has handled it well. I consider myself extremely lucky. This girl is the most forgiving person I think I've ever met in my entire life. I've read a lot of stories and not everyone is as fortunate as me though. The outcome could have easily been disastrous. I never expected a positive outcome from telling the truth. I ran from the truth for so long and even if the outcome would have been negative, I would have still been content at being able to tell the truth. It set me free. I don't have to spend my days crying and being miserable anymore. I don't have to hurt her or anyone else anymore. I'm 100% sure that I will NEVER do this again. It isn't worth it. Playing with the minds and emotions of others just isn't cool. If you haven't done it, good. If you're reading this because you have done/are doing it then stop. It's easier said than done but my whole point in sharing my story is to maybe reach out and help whoever might be reading this. You gotta tell the truth and be real with yourself or you'll be facing a lifetime of misery. Plus if you really care about these people, you owe it to them to tell them the truth. I missed out on months of happiness due to this behavior that I'll never get back again. The best person to be is yourself, trust me.
LonelyGal23 LonelyGal23
22-25, F
7 Responses Jan 23, 2013

Thank you for sharing this, if you could read my story and give me some advice I'd appreciate it so much, thank you again.

Just an update: At first it seemed as if things would work themselves out, but it ended up being a very difficult process. We attempted to start over after the truth was out and form a happy relationship, but since our initial relationship was based on lies she found it hard to trust me. What I had done, the length of time I had done it for, why I had done it, etc was brought up quite frequently. I did my best to be honest with her and come clean but really it was too late. True enough, she forgave me and let me in her life but deep down it was all still hurting her. Currently, we are broken up and our friendship is pretty damaged as well. I regret doing this every single day. She's got such a beautiful heart that I'm madly in love with but it will never be mine though. The damage is irreversible. The day I told the truth I erased my fake persona and I haven't had a single urge to do it ever again. This has been one of the worst experiences I have ever had in my life. If you really sit and think about it, it's cruel to do this to others. You get lost in your own head and your own fantasy to escape whatever you may be running from and end up colliding into someones reality. It's just not fair. I'm glad my story has had so many views. I remember when I was still pretending and I'd get online and read other stories. I remember feeling that dread of telling the truth and the despair of the situation. I hope that if you come across this comment, whoever you may be, I hope you can will yourself to stop. It's just not worth the pain or the stress. I'd give anything to go back in time to have met her as myself. My heart is absolutely crushed because I know how badly I've hurt her. One day I hope to have a happy functional friendship with her. At this point though, the chances seem pretty slim. Take into consideration the lasting effects of your behavior of the people you are victimizing. Trust is hard to gain, easy to lose, and almost impossible to win back. It's all a game until you meet someone real and vulnerable. Use caution. People aren't toys and emotions shouldn't be played with either. Treat others how you would like to be treated. Be yourself. It's so much more worth it than pretending to be someone you will never be and causing so much heartache to others and yourself. I hope this helps.

im glad things worked out for you.

Thanks for y'alls comments. They are much appreciated!

I pretended to be a guy for 5 years and completely hated myself over it. Finally, I told the girl who I actually was and now we're in a relationship. It is funny how things turn out but I hope things go well for you. Good to know I'm not the only one that's similar in that way of thinking.

Thanks for your comment!

Thank you for sharing your story, really lucky with the outcome of this situation. I wasn't so lucky with the outcome of mine but I'm getting what I deserve for what I done I believe. It's nice to read these stories and see a happy ending.

The truth is hard to tell someone when your in so deep and been doing it for to long, no one should ever get involved with faking a person ever, so people if you read the comment, take this girls advice. Yeah I'm sure sucks and hurts to be on the receiving end but to behind it all and lying constantly, that hurts just as much...

Good luck with getting to know her as you, stay positive and stay true :)