Fake Smiles

i wonder how many people actually do this? if i dont pretend like i am not depressed then i would be one of those people you hate to be around. no one wants to be around the person that is always complaining about what is wrong with themselves. i just act like i am ok to passify everyone else. but as soon as i get alone all the hurt and pain comes flooding back. the tears fall, and the mood drops. i hate who i am. i'm lying to everyone. i tell them yeah i'm ok. but inside i am dying. all the smiling and laughing is just to benifit everyone else. to make them happy. while i am never happy. i never get the good stuff. i dont even know what it is. but tomorrow i will wake up and pretend i am ok.

metalgirl99 metalgirl99
36-40, F
3 Responses Mar 8, 2009

i definitely pass out fake smiles left and right. nobody wants to be around debbie downer and that is how i feel on the inside. everyone is always talking about how happy and carefree i am, but what they dont know is how on the inside behind those smiles and spontaneous adventures is a weak and depressed gilr just trying to fill the time with actions instead of depressing thoughts that naturally come to mind. i'm much better at listening to other people so that the focus is not on me because i don't want to talk about it or i might just break all the way down.

i know what you mean about getting away to let it all go. i know it all to well.

Yep, I do allll that. I think it actually helps me though. When I never see anyone else I get wprse. If I can need to spend time pretending to be ok, I think it does help to 'train' my thoughts a bit. Unfortunately, apart from EP, I don't communicate with anyone. In the street I have to try to keep it together long enough to get back out of veiw of people, and then I just let it all go..