I Feel Like I'm Two People

I don't know what to do. I never really realized I was depressed until I looked at myself in the mirror and I felt like I had died inside. But of course I can't tell people this, so I put on this air of being the best at everything. Most of the people I know, know that I'm a cynic but they all think it's because of my childhood, but I feel like I use it as a defense mechanism so people can't see how sad I am. I wish I was the person I pretend to be(even if she is narcissistic with a huge ego and a mildly sexist attitude), I hate who I really am. All I am is some depressed girl with a fake smile.

annesocial annesocial
22-25, F
6 Responses Jan 13, 2010

So why CAN'T you tell people? Clinical depression is a VERY real, medically treatable condition, and NOT taking care of it properly can lead to self-destructive thoughts and behaviors. GET HELP! Life (and the world) is NOT as bad as it probably seems to you right now, it's just chemicals in your brain that are out of whack. I know. I have suffered from Clinical Depression myself, and I know just how dark and horrible things can seem when you are under it's influence. But it is a VERY false perception of the world! Get into therapy, get on some meds, and start working on removing that haze of gray that clouds your every moment of existence. Life WILL get better, and more importantly, you will PERCEIVE it better!

Would you believe that really you are pretty normal?<br />
You see at there ba<x>se every human action is a ex<x>pression of fear or love.<br />
So feeling like 2 people is actually normal.<br />
Then along comes ego.....And though you want too....your ego is so invested in the act you are putting on it does not want you too drop the act because then your ego would have nothing to do.<br />
So the difference between the outward ex<x>pression of yourself and your inward experience get bigger and wider.....And you end up doing things just out of habit.<br />
In essence it is just one big defence.... A mask to hide who you really are.<br />
Because you do not know who you really are.

Hey annesocial,<br />
<br />
There's nothing wrong with you.<br />
<br />
There are millions of people who feel the same.... but: so what! what consolation is there in knowing that? ... @#^%^! There are also many more millions who don't stop and wonder about their lives and don't feel anything but happy. Good for them! I guess.... I'd rather not be them.<br />
<br />
It is obvious that you think, and you question, and that sets you apart. I hope you keep thinking. And keep questioning. But as an old fart I do have one suggestion: we develop reflexes in our thinking just like we develop reflexes in our motor function. Just like a boxer who works on his reflexes to react without thinking to the glove coming up to his head. In the same way I recommend that you develop reflexes of thinking that protect your head... reflexes of thought: "I am capable", "I will solve this", "I will be better", "Learn from this", "Move forward", "Be patient - with yourself". At the same time try and overcome the reflexes that say: "I am not capable", "I am not worthwhile", "It is too late", "Why try".<br />
<br />
You CAN chose the thoughts in your head, and eventually the thought reflex will be what you need it to be, not what someone else put there.

I feel dead inside too, it's tough sometimes. The only reason I keep going is cause I have a few people in my life that I truely love and care about, otherwise I'm not sure what I would do(sorry I truned this conversation onto me but I'm kinda hoping you're in the same boat).

I can empathize with you. It's especially difficult when you have a husband that considers depression as being "crazy". :(

i know how you feel i do the same thing people think im fine but inside im dead.. *hugs* im sorry if im not that helpful if i was i wouldnt feel the same but i do give you my support.