My Life As A Spy.I had just returned from my mission on the dangerous shores of Kazakhstan, battling the highly dangerous Taliban rabbits. I'd had a rather rough trip home, due to my rocket powered rollerblades not being waterproof. Some surface to skate missiles had also dampened my enthusiasm. Consistent attacks by counter agent barnacles had done nothing but increase my rage.
Everyone thinks that the life of a secret agent, is a glamorous and romantic lifestyle. They couldn't be more mistaken. Upon entering my home, I was greeted by the unpleasant sight of my wife spread eagled on the couch entertaining the local fishmonger. Apparently she had grown tired of waiting for my return. I was glad to leave again. Fortunately I had another mission immediately.
We had uncovered a recent plot by the teletubbies, to conquer the globe. I would need to leap immediately back into action. I rendezvoused with my assigned partner, a kangaroo trained in martial arts and jedi warfare. We collected our mission vehicle, a highly modified combine harvester. It was a equipped with four acid spaghetti cannons, as well as a watermelon bazooka. I was feeling confident but hoped that they had provided us with a boat this time. Sure enough our mission brief directed us to embark to the docks immediately.
On arrival at the docks, my heart sank. At our assigned berth sat a catamaran, with a floating trailer attached! My kangaroo partner ticked in an annoyed fashion. I agree wholeheartedly with him, while wondering how well he had been trained in the teletubbies dialect. He didn't even seem to be to even speak English! We loaded our combine harvester on to the floating trailer. We set sail and navigated towards Tellytubby island, while I tried to placate my kangaroo partner. He was determined to carve up the catamaran, with his light Sabre in his disgust! Once I had distracted him with a stuffed koala for him to shred, I was able to focus on the journey more precisely. Trying not to get distracted, by the smell of burning stuffing, I navigated the catamaran towards our destination.
it took us several weeks to reach Tellytubby Island. Fortunately the wind had been kind to us, or it would have taken even longer ! Our tempers had become somewhat frayed along the way. We had nearly assassinated each other numerous times along the way. The strange island approaching us was somewhat of a relief for our sea frayed tempers. We boarded the island and unloaded our combine harvester quite happily, despite the fact we were on enemy terrain.
We knew we were immediately in trouble. The land was amass with rabbits. It was also teeming with a multi colored plethora of teletubbies. All we could see was a writhing sea of rabbits, pinwheels and telephones. Interwoven amongst this landscape were a multitude of purple green yellow and red teletubbies. We gasped in amazement, as we beheld that this multicolored multitude, extended past the pinwheel windmill and all the way to the Tubbytonic Superdome. A purple Tinky Winky surged aggressively towards us with with homosexual overtones. My kangaroo partner ticked reproachingly as he loaded up our watermelon bazooka aimed and fired at the hapless Tnky Wnky. The watermelon punched clean through the purple tellytubby. He writhed on the ground in agony, while I listened in amazement to his mastery of Tellytubby profanities.
Whilst roo took care of the advancing wave of Tellytubbys coming on both flanks with the acid spaghetti cannon, I started our combine harvester and launched menacingly forward. We plowed through a crowd of Tellytubbys watching babies on television with a satisfying squishing sound. Roo ticked approvingly as a wave of multicolored entrails washed over us and our vehicle. This was beginning to look more like a commando mission than an espionage one! We decided to get closer to the Tubbytonic superdome before reverting to more traditional methods of subterfuge. While I plowed forward relentlessly, roo manned our spaghetti acid cannon with reckless abandon. Tellytubbys screamed in absurd gibberish in his wake. Roo had also loaded up the watermelon bazooka with an ample supply of watermelons, so I also blasted holes through the occasional hapless tellytubby, who was coming at us at an awkward angle.
Roo changed into his green dipsy outfit and then relieved me from navigating, while I changed into my red Po costume. A few Tellytubbys had taken advantage of our wardrobe distraction and had boarded our vehicle. Roo carved them up into Tellytubby sized pancakes with his light saber. We were rapidly drawing towards the tubbytronic superdome by this stage. I aimed the combine harvester at a lake and we leapt out. We watched the combine harvester submerge in the lake with a satisfying splash, as we hit the ground and rolled. Most of the Tellytubbys cooed in awe of the spectacular sight of our vehicles watery death, giving us a valuable distraction.
The handful of Teletubbys who had noticed us were easily dealt with. Particularly the tinky winky’s who just swung their handbags at us ineffectively. Roo chopped a few up with his light saber whilst I bludgeoned the remainder with my haggis. Roo clicked encouragingly at me. I was starting to have fun despite myself!
Although Roo’s bounding wasn’t exactly inconspicuous, it was actually quite helpful to our purposes. Teletubbys that noticed it tended to mimic it, rather than becoming suspicious! We strolled and bounded the short remaining distance to the tubbytronic superdome. The occasional tellytubby that noticed us however, tended to imitate Roo’s bounding until they rolled about on the ground laughing hysterically. I smiled at their simple natures and wondered how they’d ever become an international threat. The thought of a world overrun with these simple minded buffoons was no laughing matter however. I quickly lost my humor at this notion.
Once we made it to the imposing technicolour nightmare that was the Tubbytronic Superdome, we detonated our device. It was a simple logic bomb but this would prove devastating to this surreal land. As me and roo sped away before this land quickly evaporating to the forces of logic, I looked forward to seeing my wife’s fishmonger again. It had been a testing mission!