Returning To Self-punishmentI started self-spanking before I was 12 years old. I was fascinated by corporal punishment at boarding school and started giving it to myself during the school holidays, to re-create the feelings and the marks of the punishments I got at school. Soon after leaving school at 18 I found other CP enthusiasts and so I gave up self-spanking for many years. Although I still visit other people from time to time to get spanked, I have returned to self-imposed discipline, too. The punishments I get from other people are all for pleasure, but the ones I give myself are real - for real shortcomings in my behaviour. One of the disciplinarians I have been visiting for many years helps me with this, by specifying the minimum punishments I should get for my common offences and sometimes increasing these when he thinks it appropriate, His punishments are not just self-spanking, but include corner time, written punishments and often other delights such as physical exercise or cold showers. Often the spankings I give myself hurt more (and for longer) than those I get from other people; the overall punishment "detentions" last up to 3 hours and can leave me close to tears.
My feelings towards these punishments are ambiguous and complex. I find them deeply satisfying and sometimes arousing, but I genuinely fear them and would never do something wrong deliberately to earn one. This disciplinary regime has modified my behaviour. For example, I gave up smoking long ago but would occasionally accept a cigarette or cigar if offered one but not any more - the consequences would be so very, very painful!