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My Long Road Of Personal Healing And The Longer Road Of Depression

I always have been the type of person who took everything personal...my heart on my sleeve, and i always felt somewhat responsible for everyone actions within my friends group. For the most part I, like everyone else did my best to take the good with bad and press on. My whole life changed in 2008 when my best friend, closer then best...I dont even love my own sister as much as him, decided to end his life at the young age of 19. At the time i was working at a maximum security prison in texas (which i started when i was 18) which is a very negative atmosphere in itself. i did my best to handle it and press on with life all the while hearing everyone tell me it wasnt my fault, which i know it was not. As the years went on, I struggled with everything from relationships to finances. I lost my highschool sweetheart because I built my walls up so high and thick i didnt ever want to break them down or climb over them. I lived my life on the edge all the time just to push my luck...riding my bike 160+, commiting all sorts of idiotic crimes, fighting. etc etc. I always felt the need to punish myself and surround myself with depression as much as i could to fill the empty void i made for myself. Binge drinking and drug use was through the roof and noone could stop me. my family moved away and i Was left without a family member within 2000 miles. I have cleaned myself up somewhat because i was so close to killing myself i couldnt stand it..or myself anymore. i have cleaned up myself somewhat and came clean with my mom what I had been doing/planning to do and have moved up with her to get my life back together. I always hold it in my heart to make sure im not happy. all the things in life i onced loved feel so meaningless even today. I surround myself with sadness as best as i can and i want to know why? why cant i let myself be happy when i know his suicide wasnt my fault?
supersnake17 supersnake17 22-25 Aug 15, 2012

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