I Beat Myself

I've been self-punishing myself since I was younger. My father would yell at me and say cruel things to me for accidents so I would go into a corner where no one could see me and just grab at my hair and hit myself in the face and silently cry. Other times with my grandmother I would take the doll I was with and just slap the **** out of them and say "I'm stupid,this is your falult" then slap or punch myself in the face. There was once where my teacher yelled at me for doing something wrong and I wrote a note to her saying "I'm stupid" and she looked at me with a pitiful face and said "Oh,no you're not" But I felt that way-even throughout life I still sometimes for little to no reason at all. I've grown into more into a more worse way of self-punishment which is cutting.There was once a time where I slightly pricked my finger against a razor in my aunt's kitchen with my granpa and he told my father because I was bleeding. My father made her girlfriend heal me up and then I had to walk into the room he was in-he looked so mad while his leather belt hung low for me to see. I saw it then I just began to whimper. He then proceeded to close the door and beat me with the belt till I was black and blue all over my butt and legs.The irony of it! I got brutally punished for slightly getting cut by a razor I did'nt even see to where I'm making deep cuts with razors at face value as a way of punishing myself!(dark humor). I used to cut myself now-a-days to the point I left purple bruises that took years to heal that's how deep they would get-most the time I'm surprised at the fact I never cut myself to puddles of blood the way I cut so deep. The sick part is that sometimes I do it out of pleasure as opposed to having extreme sadness and all. I started to hear about BDSM and I looked at what they did and I love it-I feel like I should'nt but it's something I get excited about-I punished myself for being a huge ****-up my whole life so what's the difference? I just hope one day I get to a point where I don't need to do this **** anymore I don't even want to feel the need to..........
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Sep 18, 2012