Pushes: I Leave

I am a very excepting person. I am very passionate about my friends and family, but I do have this issue, it's not subconscious, I actually do it with the full knowledge that I am doing it. When I let someone into my life, I give them all of me, love, loyalty, friendship, my heart and soul. Too giving some would say. 

At anytime in the relationship (friend or other) I ever get the feeling that they may be pulling away, or there a chance they don't feel as passionate as I do, I will withdraw, I leave. My heart will ache and I mourn the loss but it is easier to make myself believe I left for a good reason, than it is to be left. Being left, you are left with the lingering feeling of what did I do, could I have done something differently. Complete feeling of having no control. 

To wear your heart on your sleeve and completely give to another person is wonderful. It's so exilerating to be open and honest with people. But it also puts me in a very vulnerable place, and there is a chorus of dialogues going on in my head when I feel it is time to bail, part of me just wants to grab onto them and never let go, but the other part pushes, and pushes hard, to where there is no going back.

I still cry for some people I have done this too. My heart breaks that I can not be with them. What a horrible person am I, I don't want to be pushed away so I do it to them!
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Oct 10, 2012