I Push People Away Until He Came. . .now I'm Pushing Him Away

I don't know what to do...PLEASE HELP!!!

Every time I felt myself starting to LIKE a guy I would drop them. Just stop talking to them, calling them back etc. It was to the point that we couldn't have any contact or communication whatsoever. The guy simply didn't exist anymore.

Then I met my current boyfriend. I had the same instincts to just run away like normally. I wasn't even going to tell him I was interested in him or acknowledge to myself that I really liked him. Somehow my best friend managed to talk me into to giving it a chance. 2 1/2 years later after fighting my feelings, him ignoring them most of the time, other men and women, the mother of his kids, long distance relationship and us both admitting that we really love and care about each other. I cant accept it.

I don't know why but I find myself pushing him away and just wanting to forget about everything that's happened over time. Even he asks me if I'm willing to just throw it all away. I pick fights without even knowing it and try to justify it somehow making it his fault. I don't call or text like a normal girlfriend would. Its not that I don't think about him It just never crosses my mind until the last minute when its too late and hes already mad that I haven't contacted him at all that day, but then I ask "whats your excuse?"

Ive never been in a "real" relationship until this one but I cant keep using that excuse. Everything I know about relationships are dysfunctional. A lot of these traits I have, I noticed I get from my own mother and I hate that. I don't wanna be anything like her but I don't know how to stop it.

If anyone has some helpful advice that would be great!
designerj1987 designerj1987
22-25, F
Nov 27, 2012