I've Missed Opportunities Out of Fear

WEll no one likes getting hurt but an open life taking in all the air that life has to offer is much better then sitting in a fort with no one to talk to. It really isn't easy to get out and open up to other people but it is definitely worth it.

I'm learning that and I am much better than I used to be.

True no one likes getting hurt, but I 'am the same way to. I' am myself with certain people. Other people i'm quite and different. It's weird, but I just want you to know. I' am here to listen.

Thanks, this place is helping. I still don't trust everything I'm told by people here, but at least I'm listening.

Thank you for the courage to post this story.

I only started making friends, meaningful friendships in my 50s. During my childhood ( I was the eldest of there sons ) I suffered from low self esteem in primary school. Later, about the age 13 my father moved the family to Switzerland and I had to go to a school where only french was spoken. Again I felt like an outsider and struggled to make friends ( as did my youngest brother ).

Later we moved to Hong Kong, and I finished up my education in a boarding school in the Phillippines.

So by the time I was 18 I had never had a close friend, and was afraid to let people in. Knowing that the pain of loosing a friend would hurt me.

I continued this "do I / don't I" search for friends all my life.

Anyhow I finally changed about five years ago and today I have about four maybe five close friends.

A couple of years ago a gay man said to me, "Bob you are always talking about friendships. Would you teach me how to do them."

After reflection I agreed to try. And we would meet once a fortnight for coffee and talk.

Would you be interested in hearing what happened ?

I don't think my writing this story is courageous, but thanks for the compliment. Sure, I would like to know what happened.

well we decided to buy books on the subject of friendships. he bought some and so did i.

it turned out that this chap was gay; which i knew already. and he lives with his mother who is in her late 60s.

we started talking about friendships. ones we had or people we were attracted to regarding potential friendships.

and we continued to discuss ideas we learned from the books we were reading.

are you sure this is of interest to you or more particularly relevant to where you are at emotionally at present ?

I'm finding your story interesting. Recently, I have been opening up more to people and I wouldn't say I'm as shut off as I was years ago, but I would still like you to finish your story.

Next stage of Bob's story.

Well, one of the concepts we came across was to think of relationships with other people as being like an archery target.

You know the one where there are circles within circles. Each getting smaller, until the inner most circle is just a small dot.

The authors asserted that relationships are like that archery target.

The people we see at the coffee shop, the grocer, the hardware....well they are the people in the out most circle. We talk to them but we really don't know them.

The first circle inside that ring are those people we might be attracted to. They seem interesting, or have some sense of humour we like. There is an intangible about them. For example I walk my dog Jack in the park each night. In the last week I have met a man who is getting close to retirement. He has been on long service leave and visited Europe with his wife. Tonight he spoke of a dog beach where he and his wife go ( I asked ). We then shared our respective stories of how we had each met our wife. I then asked him if he was a hiker ( he wears the jacket and hat we bushwalkers often wear here in Australia ). He said he did. So I took a risk and asked him if he would care to join a group of men and myself who go hiking once a month. He is thinking about it.

Now the people we reach out to , like this man in the park, who respond might move from a second circle to our third circle. We will then get to know them, share an experience with them, even perhaps share a secret at some point.

Those people we share secrets with often ( not always mind you ) might reciprocate. When they do they move to our BULLSEYE or the centre of the circle.

Now the progression of friendships through these circles takes time, and patience.

Most of us have little patience for that. You know we get instant cash from a bank , instant credit from a store, instant whatever it is from shops. Yet friendships are not like that . They require 1) risk of rejection 2) time and 3) patience.

Shall I go on ? Or are you bored ?

You can continue.