Yeah Like Everyday Of My Life

I don't think theres a day where i don't shoot myself down. Im not gonna sit here and say i hate everything about myself because i don't, i like that i'm random and weird, i like that i'm a shoulder to lean on for friends, i like that i don't discriminate, but thats just about as much as i do like. I hated my childhood for the fact that i was by myself all the time, and i moved away from the only childhood friends and didn't really have friends till like the 8th grade solely based on the fact that i'm shy and quiet. I don't think i will ever be comfortable with my weight deep down and thats built up from when i was a child and being made fun of for being chunky, but i used that as fuel to push on and it made me starve myself, that period scarred me, i know it's dumb because i know im not fat, i know im def fit when i take off my shirt and see i'm ripped, but still it's barried deep down in there, i have the urge to excercise everyday even if i'm sore and i only eat basically once a day.

In relationships i haven't allowed myself to get what i deserve. I've been in relationships where i held on too long, when i needed to let go because i wasn't being treated right. I'd give my whole my heart hoping to get the same in return, when in reality it seemed like i was the last thing on their mind. I would know deep down that i deserve better, but i'd say to myself maybe i'm not worth more, maybe this is all i can get. When i live the single life it gets even worse, i hesitate to take chances, like for example today: I had the perfect chance on the train this morning i was gettin eyed and if i hadn't stood there frozen things would be different. I tell myself whatever it takes to avoid making an attempt like "oh she's to good looking for you" or "whats the point your bound to mess that one up". It's all so stupid and frustrating, but nonetheless it's a part of who i am that i have to deal with everyday, there are moments where i feel like i'm ready to escape but i always find myself being pulled back in.
MiracleWhipTrickster MiracleWhipTrickster
18-21, M
Oct 20, 2010