I'm A Bit Drained..
I used to want to help everyone else out first. I really based my life around other people's happiness. If someone needed me, no matter who they were or what they wanted, I'd do everything in my power to be there for them. I was the first to offer a shoulder to cry on, even if it was to a random stranger. And that made me happy. I did it for my own satisfaction, being able to see people happy and knowing that I helped to make it happen. But lately I feel like the guilt that it would cause me not to do things for others is sometimes the only reason I continue to do it. Someone asks me for a favor, and no matter how much I hate to say yes, I do. Just because the guilt of not doing it kills me. I've started telling myself to think about my happiness first, focus on what I want and then turn to others. But would that make me selfish? I mean, I do things for myself. If I want something I buy it; if something sounds like a good time, I do it. But I can only do those things if other people approve. I've started to doubt every decision I make, every thought I have, because I spend so much time thinking about what will happen if one person I care about doesn't agree with what I'm doing, that eventually I just stop. It's getting hard to be a people pleaser..I want more for me, and I tell myself that I should go with it because it's MY life and MY happiness, but when it starts to seem like one decision that I make for myself could make so many other people unhappy, I feel trapped. I don't want to live my life miserable. I don't want to be the reason for anyone else's life being miserable, either. I over-think so many things and after awhile I don't even want to come to a conclusion; I just want to dig a hole and curl up in it, get away from the world and everyone in it, my friends, my family, my fiance, myself...everyone. I need to start living for myself. But I just can't. I feel like I've become a slave to the life I decided to live, and now I can't get away from it. ...I just want to be me. I need my own space, my own happiness, my own dreams, and my own life, without any interference or disapproval. But with everyone who knows me to be the one that makes them feel better when THEIR life is going wrong, I don't want to be the let-down so many of their lives. I'm trapped in my own mind, it seems, it's not even being controlled by me, or the me that I want to be anyway, and I just want out..