Needing To Prioritize More

Lately I've noticed that I'm rolling around like a chicken with my head cut off (with wheels on my butt, of course... LOL) trying to do everything for everyone and be everything for everyone and I'm feeling awfully lonely and used up!

My Godson is 23 years old, lives with his mother about 3 blocks from my home. He has gotten in a habit of coming to my house every Sunday for dinner, because his mother doesn't cook, EVER! He enjoys the home cooked meals and family atmosphere.

Usually I enjoy his company, but lately, he seems to be coming around looking for the free meal, then leaving quickly to be on doing other things. There really is no socializing anymore, no conversation, nothing but 'what are we eating?' and 'well, I've got to get going, things i want to do.' My husband rented movies last weekend, hoping we could enjoy a 'movie day' together, but my Godson jumped up and selected a movie to put in, making sure he would get to see the movies he preferred first and when they were done, he put his shoes on and left, saying he wasn't interested in the other movies so he was going.

This weekend I was up to my eyeballs in housework that I hadn't been able to get done until they brought me my loaner wheels, but a friend who was home from NY wanted to send her daughter over to visit because she was feeling blue. She didn't ask me if it was okay to send her, she just sent her, wanted me to talk to her and get her mind off her troubles. I ended up on the porch in a very uncomfortable chair, being eaten by mosquitos for over an hour, while my son was in the house alone, with Kodiak whining and howling because we were separated. (The daughter brought her pitbull over)

When hubby is home there is no socialization. He's either got his nose in a book, the TV or he's sleeping on his recliner. I'm beginning to feel, lately, as if I'm his housekeeper and cook but not much more than that.

I know I do this to myself... I put other people ahead of myself, I want to make sure their needs are met, they are happy and contented. I guess I always figured 'you get what you give'... hoping that at some point, someone would put me first.

Now that I've set this trend, created a standard in regard to what I appear to be willing to accept from others, do for others, it's hard to make changes. I think in some circumstances, you have to prioritize yourself, set boundaries and take care of you. How do you do that, once others have come to see you as the self-sacrificing, always giving and accommodating person in their lives?
rollingwithhusky rollingwithhusky
46-50, F
6 Responses Aug 1, 2010

Thanks Wiseowl. I did finally sit him down and talk to him. Things have been much better. I had talked to him a number of times before, but this time I made it more stern and told him I'd had enough and wouldn't tolerate any more disrespect or inconsiderate behavior. I think he realized he'd pushed me too far.

These people are putting themselves before you. Nope! Gotta set some ground rules with a nice conversation. Tell them, "I'm not cooking today"....they may suggest going out. Maybe not..Your God son is taking it all for granted & he may not realize it. But yeah, it doesn't sound considerate at all.

Oh, don't misunderstand... I didn't feel you thought you had all the answers or that you were diminishing who I am... no need to apologize, I assure you.<br />
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So sorry if I came off like I knew all the answers. I certainly don't. I miss that homesick daughter of mine so bad I can taste it. My grand daughter is my shining star and I miss her laughing eyes. I'm a little bit jaded these days and trying to soften the hardened edges. Life has eased a bit but the past few years have taken it's toll. All my friends and family have turned their backs because I have refused to turn my back on my little wild child. I NEVER will. So I didn't mean to diminish who you are. The people in your life are lucky to have you. Sorry. Aren't we all a work in progress? I know I am.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts with me. Since I originally wrote this, I have really changed my thinking, when it comes to my Godson. Some very hurtful things have happened because he sees me and my family as an 'option', for him to fall back on. We made some plans ba<x>sed on some things he told us and he arbitrarily changed his mind, which left us hanging because we'd made him a priority. <br />
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I'm always trying to work on my 'absorption' of other people's problems, trying to put some space between me and their issues. I'm a work in progress.... :)<br />
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I'm not scared off by your situation, I understand feeling responsible, a sense of duty to your child. I get overwhelmed emotionally by the problems of others because I get too involved, but at the same time, I thrive on being needed... it's an interesting situation to be in. Looking forward to sharing more!

Although our circumstances may be different. I too always find myself put last. Bottom of the hamper. Down with the dirty underwear and socks. I have Three kids who are 29, 25, and 23. My 29 year old son loves me endlessly but is hard on me because I'm too emotional. He thinks I should let my 25 y/o daughters troubles just roll off my back. I let her walk on me, stomp on me and crush me with her endless needs. She has and is in every conceivable kind of trouble. I am her only hope and yet because of her, I have no life. I have been put on several different types of antidepressants to cope with it but only wound up in the hospital for 3 days toxic with one of them. So I go natural now. My husband copes by pretending there are no problems at all. My daughter is pregnant by one of 5 possible fathers, was featured on Washington's Most Wanted in August and was a drug addict but has been clean for four months. She is needy and immature. But I love her. My youngest daughter moved to Georgia with my 5 y/o grand daughter and is so homesick she calls me to comfort her 3 or 4 times a day. I finally decided for the sake of my self and my sanity I had to put a stop to all this madness. I decided to put myself first. To be selfish is to be selfless, I can't help anyone any further without helping myself. I deserve nothing less than the people who I give so much to and for. I am so worth it and worthy. People take advantage because we let them. To set limits and boundaries is is no way denying our love but giving ourselves the care we deserve and preserving the loving feeling towards those we care about. If we don't, resentment builds towards ourselves as well as the people we desire to help. Your beautiful dog should never be displaced in your your home as you should never be. 23 year old boys can be ungrateful little snots, the same as any 2 year old. Buy him a cook book and tell him to pick out an easy recipe to try out on you and be sure to do the dishes. If your friend is feeling "blue" tell her how very sorry you are and welcome her over but let her know the pit bull upsets your dog and set her back in her training. Don't feel guilty. You are strong and deserving. Your husband will respond when he sees how strong you can be (hopefully lol) I hope you don't mind me flapping my gums but you seem like such a very nice person and I know you a little already. Thank you for sharing with me. Write me anytime. I could use a friend too. Hope my situation doesn't scare you off!