I Am to Young to Die!

I am a 53 year old single dad of a 16 year old girl in the end game stage of emphysema and COPD, if I am part of the 50 % I can live another 5 years, at this stage even the comon cold can take my life! As young as I am there is so much I can not do and so much I will never be able to do, but what I can do I will enjoy to the fullest with what ever I have left! My last battle for breath lasted for 4 hours and I almost lost, in the end one piece of the life support equipment saved my life when I no longer had the strength to fight for even one more breath. My doctor says it won't always work. My 16 year old daughter lost her mom 2 years ago to cancer now she is getting ready to lose her dad. I thought I was just hurting myself only to find out I am hurting every one that knows me for I am a kind and gentle soul. This is not just about you this is about every body that loves you!!! One of the things I have chosen to do even though I do so at great risk because a common cold can take my life! Is to visit the schools to talk to the kids with tears in my eyes and I take them on a journey through my life and the bad choices I made and where they have led me now. I hide nothing and plead from my heart for them to please consider the cost! I know God has made a way for me to reach them because I see the tears in their eyes and their letters to me touch my soul like healing rain drops washing and purifying me befor God. I can not change it for me BUT I can change it for MANY, GOD help me to do so in a living, real and powerful way. Sad to say some one that knew a teacher in my home town has worked with that teacher to put an end to my speaking in the schools to the kids so that is over now, how this person could be helping people to stop smoking and do this is beyound me but all I can do is pray for her and for the children!

Quit before the symtoms show up, I did not quit even after they showed up now my time is running out. I know I am to young to die because I don't know what I am going to be when I grow up. It is a life and death choice and I did not look at it that way when I still had time, now I am running out of time. And the only choice I have now is how to spend the little time I have left. The hard part is knowing the pain I am leaving behind me with my daughter and family and all the wonderful friends I am leaving.

Let me tell you as I lay in the hospital just having nearly died I did some soul searching as we often do when faced with such things. I asked my self what is most important in life what will I have when I am laying in a bed breathing my last breaths in this world. I found there would be 2 things I would have at that moment.

1st I would have my loved ones around me. These ones have to be earned with love and sacrifice and devotion with compassion with truth and honor and loyalty. It would take time to develope relationships of this kind. Any relationship built on LOVE is very valuable.

2nd I would have my memories. These would be both good and bad. But if I worked at it I could create many good and wonderful memories. It would take LOVE, COMPASSION, DEVOTION, SACRAFICE, TRUTH, HONOR, DILIGENCE, the best of all my qualitys. The best would be doing things for others for those are the gifts of love and sacrifice that earn the loved ones you will have in the end.

So in the end if you have many loved ones and many good and wonderful memories, then you will leave this world very rich indeed. And you will live on in this world in the hearts of many!




SingleAlaskanMan SingleAlaskanMan
51-55, M
2 Responses Feb 11, 2009

I too am Stage 4, with an FEV1 of 17%, and I too didn't give up smoking until it was way too late. However, I've maintained my lung function for the last three years, so, no matter what palliative care has been put in place, no matter what the medics say, you don't go until your time is up! Keep breathing, my friend, keep right on breathing :) x

yes at, this time we do think of all the wonderful memories. The ones we will leave, At this point you think it's all your fault causing pain to the ones you love. Hun, you can't think like that You can't change that you got sick. You just remember all the memories you have put into all of the hearts you love. And even the ones how aren't so close. You just keep going no to make more memories!!! I'll be thing of you.

God bless you and those who replied so wisely to you .
keep your faith and hope up always .