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Glad I Quit...this Was Me


Nights of no sleep and a million sunrises…blood red like my noses lining. I was wild. An unfettered maniac; a dopamine dinosaur; dangerous to myself and others – not intentionally but just the same… “Reckless to the point of selfishness”  Something’s wrong here…I’m Driving 90mph in icy conditions…no time to spare…snowstorm outside; snowstorm inside…..Memories of flashing lights, hot in the cold night…angry lights, disorienting lights…lights at the end of the tunnel….what’s wrong? Something’s wrong….memories of tearing up the schools fields on North Campus…not knowing of the grass beneath the snow, certainly no athlete….I threw the truck in in circles and circles and circles spinning out of control ….30mph and 75 feet sideways…..laughing like well….maniacs, hyenas in the night….memories of deer, reflectors, guardrails, signs, brokendown cars, rocks, taxis, trees, and any and all headlights in the rearview….all these things melt + morph into police cruisers when viewed through paranoid eyes of a maniac……The eyes and brain betray you, mislead you….the world is after all a dangerous place, a hostile place….SO WATCH OUT!!! BEWARE!!! COP!!! IS IT?!YES!?NO!?YES!? NO ITS JUST A SIGN…and so on and so forth for hours of white-knuckled driving…..sweaty palms and roving eyes…..watch out…something’s wrong…..what’s wrong? What’s WRONG SOMETHINGS VERY WRONG!?….*sniff*sniff* swerve*….don’t crash…maintain….is that a sign? Or something else? ….The FEAR sets in…that old friend….come again to stay in your heart, in your eyes, in your mind, down to the core of your very existence…..neurons set to terrify/electrify…….whole cities rise up to greet you and kneel at your feet…crowds love you, worship you….every girl’s boyfriend hates you...you love it all but always are watching for the knives….what’s in their hands…what do they want…Yes all those smiles must be hiding something…..Why else would they smile? Why else would they like me? Or act like they me? ……..Are they up to something? Of course. Of course they are!! …better to just play along…too many of them…outnumbered and out armed….too many of them divide and conquer….paranoia strikes deep …too late for me….save yourself…..and where’s the drugs? *sniff*sniff*….must steady oneself with drugs…..lots of them…take speed instead of sugar in your coffee…snort coke, eat coke, drink it in cola….up down up down up down …..crash; rinse and repeat…the bathroom is your office…your bed just a shelf…who needs sleep? Not me! Too much life to live...must not sleep…it shows weakness and they are still out there…*sniff*sniff*….sleep is the cousin of death…and death’s all around…something’s wrong….very wrong…and the bathroom again, alone here again, just me and the cleaning products on the bathroom shelves of all my friend’s houses they come alive and laugh and mock and judge me “FIEND” they scream and I laugh and snort and bleed and snort and laugh and bleed and cry and snort and know that the cleaning products are right…they know all…I know it. I know but I don’t care. I do care but I’m scared to care more than I’m scared of what will happen if I don’t care….who knows what it really means....really means…I mean…I’m really mean…mean and irritable…..everything grates on my nerves like nails on a chalkboard….I snap…I’m snappy…I’m snapping…I mean I’m REALLY snapping…I’ve finally snapped now…..more days and more nights ...more bathrooms and more white lines and more blood and more mockery from the bottles of cleaner; always staring and judging; staring and judging…like they know…like they’re any better…they know though…and all this repeats like a broken record overandoverandoverandover again…..I hate it, I love it, I hate me, I love me, I hate it, I hate this, I hate you, I hate me…I love you all THANKS FOR COMING TO THIS SHOW; THIS CIRCUS! PLEASE I BEG “DON’T LEAVE” …..FEELINGS…DON’T LEAVE ME  I BEG, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE DON’T GO.

Empty.                   The bag is and so am I………..

 
ak3160 ak3160 22-25, M 1 Response May 9, 2012

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A trap what masks who you really are