Recurring NightmaresI quit using meth..... too many times to count.
No matter how bad it was the time before it's only a matter of time before I slip.
I started using when I was 16, used hardcore for 3 months then just quit, for a boyfriend. It took me a little longer than it took him to quit but I quit it.
When just shy of 8 months later he was shipped off to rehab for other things, I found myself slipping. Once, then twice.... then before I knew it, I was living on the streets, selling dope, never sleeping, never eating. The paranoia got so intense that I found myself sketchily telling the innocent people at the bus stop " You won't get it...... they won't get me. You think you will, you all think you will... haha... but you won't"
I can just imagine the wild look blazen across my face. The panicked energy and twitchy attitude. Oh what people must've thought, although to them, I was just another jib tech on the street, plagued by endless sleepless days and pyrex providing a smokey cloak on reality.
Soon after I had made myself very at home in one of the grungiest drug filled hotel on the lower downtown eastside, I decided it was time to go somewhere that old boyfriend had once made me feel so safe. Two hours on the highway into the mountains. My safe place.
Wasn't so safe after all. Only got worse from there. The 3 months there were the worst months of my life. It was like being trapped where your best friends were really secret agents plotting on how to best eliminate you without drawing attention to themselves, but they are all in on it. That sent me to rehab.
Five long months later I was back, ready to face the world clean and turn my back on the scathes and all of their tempting jumpstarts. A week later, I was back in that hotel up for 2 days and scared I would never get out. I had forgotten that it takes time to hit bottom, especially when you are starting from scratch.
It's been exactly 2 years since I walked off that plane, out of the bubble, out into the real world where I had the choice. Still the longest I've ever been without even a taste is still those 8 months. I'm high right now. I've been on a binge for 7 days as of 10 pm tomorrow night.
I don't want to be but yet at the same time I do. I just wanted to remember what it felt like to be happy but not have to feel my emotions so much. Be able to get out how I feel without really truly feeling and dealing with it. I stumbled across a song today, Save My Life by-Pink. It perfectly describes my situation, except I'm hiding it. I'm still going to work, I'm not just sitting around not sleeping and teching out. I sleep every night. I eat. I work. I have a relationship and he is amazing but he is leaving in a few days.
He may be gone for a couple months. I'm so scared I will slip back into my old lifestyle. I know I should stop but if I stop now, I won't be able to get my whole apartment packed by sunday for the moving truck. So for now I deal. Then I see. I'm so scared. But I just can't help myself.
Ya, I quit using meth.
It never quit using me
chatter 19-21 4 Responses 0 Feb 20, 2008