Nail #1(of Many)

I decided to post this here because it seemed most fitting for the mood around this story

And it begins

The wife comes down stairs and tosses out the idea of going to Outback for dinner. Now, you have to understand that she didnt come down and say 'How would you feel about Outback?'. It was more of a statement if not a command in itself because it was what she wanted and no one else really matters when it comes to eating. My oldest daughter, who was not feeling well,  was lease than enthusiaistic. She has also made it  known that she has an x-friend who works there and doesnt want to be around him. Personally I dont want someone in that situation handling, in any way, something I will eat. But being ill she wanted something light like soup or salad. The wife, having her hopes crushed, threw up her arms and let them flop down in frustration, turning to stomp(Im only exageratting a tad) back up stairs.

My daughter turned to me, angry, and said 'Why is it always about her? Why cant she understand how I dont feel good and I wont go there because of him?'. I really dont have  agood explanation. Shes alawyas been like this and my duaghter knows it. Its what has pushed this family apart, or has contributed to it. She has a less than sparkling relationship with the girls, they come to me with the important questions or problems. But the food....thats a big issue. A week or two ago it was the same thing nearly. She had to have a ceratain something. And once its in her head she wont turn loose until shjes sated. Ive literally seen her scowl at meals I fixed because it wasnt what she wanted. ve cuaght her sneaking out on an 'errand' and shell go get something if a meal isnt what she wants.

Most likely my girls have a phobia about food if not an outright eating disorder. My oldest is most definitely body dysmorphic(I think thats the right term) and needs to see a counselor but has refused up until now. For my part, this attitude and her lack of depth and variety in her pallette makes it hard for me to find enthusiasm when i cook. And I do love to cook. Its cost her health as she had her gaul bladder removed but yet still eats poorly. Shes being watched regularly for diabetes as her blood sugar is unhealthy.

In her mind twenty minutes on the wii is a good enough workout and Im not even going to argue. Once, years ago, I tried to just suggest that she see a dietician to get some insight on what foods would be best and how to eat healthy. She very nearly tore my head off reacting as if Id asked her to sacrifice her first born. So I learned not to offer suggestions. I learned she wants her way, no discussion, no dialogue. I learned shes self centered and obtuse. And I grew apathetic.

Shes been urged to get counseling for this and other things by a professional psychologist. She refuses. But this illness is alienating everyone in her life. Maybe its too late? Maybe she wont change or will just shift the blame to others. With the attitudes she displays most of the time I think she wants to be the victim . Lord knows Ive tried to be patient and Ive tried to help. There might just be one  nail too  many......,.
Deanze Deanze 41-45, M 5 Responses Sep 23, 2012

Your Response


"... she wants to be the victim..."... this is perhaps what her mind sees. And without accepting the fact that she needs professional help, her mind will remain blinded.

So sorry, Dean...

I do not disagree with that at all.



I am at a loss for words but when you are overweight (as I have been in the past) there are things that go far beyond food many times that keep you there. There are other circumstances and it takes a lot for a person to give up and just allow themselves to stay that way. It takes a movement in their own mind to stop the cycle. For me, it was a caring young man from nearly 15 years ago that looked at me and said, "you know I have fallen in love with you and I can see us spending the rest of our lives together but I fear that won't be a long time unless you work on getting healthier." he made something click in my mind and I asked him at that point to help me to help myself. he was Johnny on the spot and had researched so many options for me. It touched me that he cared so much and it forced me to take stock in my life. I am not the smallest woman on earth but I do shop in regular clothing stores and I am always conscious of my health in all things I eat. I hope that she is able to get her own "awakening" before it is too late. Maybe have her doctor to talk to her about it at her next physical or maybe tell her you would love to have some "special time" with her and go to the gym or go to the park walking. Even little steps in the beginning can make a big difference. You could invest in one of the Weight Watchers or HungryGirl Cookbooks because both of those organizations have some ideas for making everyday fattening things in lighter versions and have the whole family on the "diet" but just do not tell them. If you are doing the majority of the cooking it should be up to you what everyone eats. I wish you luck on your journey Deanze. I am here if you need to talk about this or whatever else.

Ive tried but shes her own worst enemy. I even went on a doctor appointment where he told here cut out the carbs. No empty calories. But she maintains she can have some chips or bread and moderate it. If me walking out the door is what saves her life Im about there. I cant live this any longer.

Can you post a link to that plate metaphor? I would like to read it. I often speak in metaphors. I am a visual communicator.

Is she obese? It sounds like you are feeding into the whole codependency of food addiction. Your daughters btw are trying to become a wedge between you and your wife. So get some counseling. I recomment "Celebrate Recovery".

Yes and yes. I posted another story about a plate as a metaphor for the marriage.

Wow....Sounds pretty volatile all the time, that's really sad, your wife sounds very unhappy, so she takes this out on all of you. Kudos to you for being the peacemaker. (or at least trying to be) *hugs*

Shes unhappy because she doesnt get her way. Its no fun being the peacemaker who cant act her age. Thanks for the kudos though.