Acim Is Like Being In Love. I Want It But It Brings Nothing But Pain.My book is staring at me. But I refuse to look at it. To open it right now. Everytime I make my way through the lessons, after about 4 or 5 days, something happens that makes me break down. I fall harder than I would have if it wasn't around. I am halfway through the lessons. It's taken me three years to get there. I am not going to start again because if time does not exist then what difference does it make whether I start now from where I left off 3 months ago. Every attempt to be near to God should be the only real moment I experience in my life. Every moment in between is insignificant.
I don't want to be enlightened. I want to go home. I want to thank God for all the strange things she has done for me. I want to be just like my brother, Jesus. But I am resigned to the fact that it won't happen. I am not gonna pretend to love everyone. That only happens during the lessons. Right now, most people annoy me. And all that crap about the ego. It's actually true. I am convinced mine is alive and kicking a hundred times more during the lessons. It's like I am on the edge of insanity. If you really have done all the lessons. Like. Hourly. And you're not lying to yourself and trying to look cool, then I admire you. Because you really know how to fight.
A lot of strange things have happened to me. I got through the first hundred lessons, every day. I understood every word and my friend at the time, doing it with me, a few years back, said he couldn't understand a word. I felt I had really found 'the way' for me. I went to LA to the church of Agape - Michael Beckwith etc. and decided from then that I wanted to get the book.
After the hundredth lesson, things took a strange turn. I would have depressive break downs after doing a few lessons in a row during a week. I really wanted to die. I felt I was at war with my ego. As though it were a person outside myself.
A few bad things occured. All happened over the past year when I tried to get into the lessons.
I remember reading in ACIM that God never tests us. Or something along those lines that suggests that. I don't think it's down to testing.
Has anyone else had an experience that wasn't all rainbows and love and light ?
Don't get me wrong. ACIM is still the love of my life. God is still my true love. I just don't understand what's happened and I am too scared to continue lessons anymore.
I don't want to put any newbies off, but you should at least know that you have to put all you know to be real on the line and give it up and let God's version of real take over instead.