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Acim Is Like Being In Love. I Want It But It Brings Nothing But Pain.

My book is staring at me. But I refuse to look at it. To open it right now. Everytime I make my way through the lessons, after about 4 or 5 days, something happens that makes me break down. I fall harder than I would have if it wasn't around. I am halfway through the lessons. It's taken me three years to get there. I am not going to start again because if time does not exist then what difference does it make whether I start now from where I left off 3 months ago. Every attempt to be near to God should be the only real moment I experience in my life. Every moment in between is insignificant.

I don't want to be enlightened. I want to go home. I want to thank God for all the strange things she has done for me. I want to be just like my brother, Jesus. But I am resigned to the fact that it won't happen. I am not gonna pretend to love everyone. That only happens during the lessons. Right now, most people annoy me. And all that crap about the ego. It's actually true. I am convinced mine is alive and kicking a hundred times more during the lessons. It's like I am on the edge of insanity. If you really have done all the lessons. Like. Hourly. And you're not lying to yourself and trying to look cool, then I admire you. Because you really know how to fight.

A lot of strange things have happened to me. I got through the first hundred lessons, every day. I understood every word and my friend at the time, doing it with me, a few years back, said he couldn't understand a word. I felt I had really found 'the way' for me. I went to LA to the church of Agape - Michael Beckwith etc. and decided from then that I wanted to get the book.
After the hundredth lesson, things took a strange turn. I would have depressive break downs after doing a few lessons in a row during a week. I really wanted to die. I felt I was at war with my ego. As though it were a person outside myself.

A few bad things occured. All happened over the past year when I tried to get into the lessons.

I remember reading in ACIM that God never tests us. Or something along those lines that suggests that. I don't think it's down to testing.

Has anyone else had an experience that wasn't all rainbows and love and light ?

Don't get me wrong. ACIM is still the love of my life. God is still my true love. I just don't understand what's happened and I am too scared to continue lessons anymore.
I don't want to put any newbies off, but you should at least know that you have to put all you know to be real on the line and give it up and let God's version of real take over instead.

aliyah1981 aliyah1981 26-30, F 1 Response Nov 19, 2012

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I was very intrigued while reading your story because I find myself in nearly the exact same situation. Except that I can barely even start the lessons. I've gotten to lesson 12 once I think :/
Have you read the full text? There is one part in specific that I find comfort in and I think explains our situation very well. Please respond and tell me if you can relate.
It's at the end of Chapter 6 part A. I'll add italics.

"His teaching begins with the lesson: To have, give all to all.

This is a very preliminary step, and the only one you must take yourself. It is not even necessary that you complete the step yourself, but it is necessary that you turn in that direction. Having willed to go that way, you place yourself in charge of the journey, where you and only you must remain.

THIS STEP APPEARS TO EXACERBATE CONFLICT rather than resolve it, because it is the beginning step in reversing your perception and turning it right side up. This conflicts with the upside down perception which YOU HAVE NOT YET ABANDONED, or the change in direction would not have been necessary. Some people remain at this step for a very long time, experiencing VERY ACUTE CONFLICT. And many try to accept the conflict, rather than to take the next step toward its resolution. But having taken the first step, they will be helped. Having willed what they cannot complete alone, they are no longer alone."

And then it continues along these lines part way through part B:

"Upside down as always, the ego perceives the first lesson as insane. In fact, this is its only alternative here, because the other one, which would be much less acceptable, would obviously be that it is insane. The ego's judgment, then, is predetermined by what it IS, though not more so than is any other product of thought. The fundamental change will still occur with the change of mind in the thinker.

Meanwhile, the increasing clarity of the Holy Spirit's voice makes it impossible for the learner not to listen. For a time, then, he is receiving conflicting messages AND ACCEPTING BOTH.

The way out of conflict between two opposing thought systems is clearly TO CHOOSE ONE AND RELINQUISH THE OTHER. If you identify with your thought system, and you cannot escape this, and if you accept two thought systems which are in complete disagreement, peace of mind is impossible. If you teach both, which you will surely do as long as you accept both, you are teaching conflict and learning it. But you do want peace, or you would not have called upon the voice for Peace to help you. His lesson is not insane, but the conflict is.

There can be no conflict between sanity and insanity, because only one is true, and therefore only ONE is REAL."

I hope you're still with me here, I know that was a lot of quotes, but it is all so relevant and helps me every time I read it. Right now I am still trying to come to terms with what A Course in Miracles is to me. I feel peace and the Holy Spirit when I read it as well as gain great insight about life and my relation to those around me. But, like you, I find myself in greater conflict than before. And I am quite sure that is because, just like these passages say, I am floating in between two thought systems. I get the image of a ball suspended between two magnets, being pulled both ways. Whereas before I was resting comfortable on one magnet, or in one thought system, however false it may have been. Does this make sense?
Something I feel God is teaching me right now is to accept the conflict peacefully. Which appears to be a conflicting statement, but I think that's the stance the Course takes as well. If you can look at conflict peacefully, the conflict doesn't resolve, it just fades into the nothingness it came from.
"But how do you do this?" you may ask. Ha, beats me. Any ideas for us?
I'm anxious to hear back from you. Thanks again for sharing your experience!

Hello!!! Wow!! I'm so shocked. What I tend to do is open the book at random pages when I need insight so I haven't read the text in a linear fashion. But I've read a lot of it so far and I don't remember seeing what u quote. Wow I'm amazed. I will study where u say to read and see what I get from it. Where are you from? Who are u?!?! Nice to meet you :)

Yeah, it was recommended to me to read the full text and then begin the lessons. The text really builds on itself and whenever I skipped ahead it was harder for me to understand.
Have you read those parts yet?
I'm from Northern Utah, how about you? I worked for the Director of the wellness center at my college and she introduced me to the course. I read it for a while and then stopped because of reasons laid it in the story I posted in this group. Well, partly. I was also afraid of how much responsibility it put on me and had trouble accepting that I have chosen everything in my life. I accept that now and it is very liberating, but still scary at times. It's much easier to be a victim and be unable to change your life than to have all power as the Course lays out.
Do you have any favorite passages from the Course?