I Had to Learn the Hard Way

When my youngest son took was diagnosed with a brain tumor.  I was utterly devastated.  I wanted to be on top of every decision the doctor's made.  I thought if I asked the right questions, did my own research and took charge of every moment things would change his circumstances.  I remember people complimenting how strong of a mother I was during the situation.  People were constantly visiting, watching, talking, interrupting.  I appreciated the genuine concern and support but something wasn't right for me.  I needed to find time to exhale.  That's when I realized, I need to cry. 

I needed to grieve my current dilemma, I needed an outlet.  So I took off to find solace in the hospital garden.  I wanted peace and tranquility, a place where no one was talking or watching.  I made it to the garden and sat there for a moment on the swing.  All of a sudden overhead I heard the familiar sound of a helicopter landing on the helipad.  I was completely outdone.  There was absolutely nothing I could control.  Nothing in my world was going as I would have wanted.

I wanted peace. I wanted to be left alone and I wasn't.  It was then that I began to cry.  I asked God to help us overcome.  I suddenly experienced a moment of clarity.  It was pointed out to me that I needed to surrender.  It was pointed out to reminded me that although I am not in control.  Things are not out of control.  I felt so much better and now know to relax and surrender the things I am unable to handle. Everything else I can do all that is within my power.

ichooselife ichooselife
36-40, F
2 Responses Mar 24, 2009

First, I'm sorry to hear about the lost of your mother. I lost mine in 2007 and life has a piece of sadness in it everyday.<br />
I don't understand people who don't believe in God. How do they survive such losses?

This is BEAUTIFUL... I felt the same way with my mom... not so much that if I controlled it all I could fix it... but more like Ihad too... but I didnt get my break until she past... and then a week later... Ihad my time... but God has been there with me every step of the way... and for that I Continue to thank him...