Relationships Are Complicated

I completely fail at relationships.

I always fall for the guy that are completely wrong for me and push away the people that might be good for me. 

I used to have this habit of accepting people for who they were and putting my own feelings aside. In the past, all the relationships I had been in were started by sex or based around sex and how much of it we could have. After breaking off a five year relationship, built and established on sex, I find that somehow those same type of guys are still attracted to me.

Why is it that every guy I meet wants to have sex first and then get to know me?

When I don't want to have sex, men take it as rejection or as some kind of proof that I don't really like them. It leaves me bewildered. Maybe when I was younger, like 18 or 19, I thought that sex was the basis of all relationships but as I've gotten older I realized that's not true. That was my childish and immature way of thinking I had to please guys by giving them whatever they wanted in order to keep them.

Now, I realize that it's not about sex - it's about making deeper connections and having companionship and intimacy. It's about letting someone see all your flaws and yet, that person still wants you, flaws and all. I want that from a relationship. I want someone that doesn't care if I don't want to have sex. I want someone that understands me and all my complexities. And even if he doesn't understand my complexities, then at least accepts them as being a part of what makes me uniquely me.

I understand that relationships take work but when the other party is not straightforward with me, I get confused. I don't know whether to stand still and wait or run forward. Recent example: A guy that I know told me that he had been trying to hook up with me for six months. Prior to him telling me this, we've never had a real conversation and everything he talks about with me is sex related in some way. Then he has the nerve to tell me that I'm really afraid of relationships and that I'm running away from something that could be good. Thinking he might have a point, I ask him to take me on a date and we can go from there. But whenever I mention going out, he always say, "Soon."  But when he talks about sex - he wants to know when. So when I tell the guy we're opposites and that we won't work out, he gets hurt as if he actually cared about me to begin with.

And pretty much, every relationship before that was the same way. It's always been about the sex and the minute I say no the guy disappears quicker than a thief in the night. This kind of thing is pretty hard to take and really makes me question my self-worth at times. It also makes me wonder what I'm doing wrong? I've thought about this long and hard and I never, never ever make references to being a freak or enjoying sex all the time. I don't even wear dresses that are more than 4 inches above my knee cap for crying out loud. I'm quiet, I stay to myself, and when I do talk it's about geeky stuff like video games and anime and manga. 

So I'm really baffled as to how guys are picking up this "she's the kind of girl you don't take home to mama" kind of vibe from me! I just don't get it.

I'm so tired of expending energy on guys only to find out their one true goal is just to have sex with me. I'm closing up shop ladies and gentleman. I'm off the market. The dating game has come to end and I've contented myself with being forever single.

noodlepower noodlepower
26-30, F
Feb 10, 2010