Where Did I Go Wrong?Well here I am. I’m on a website trying to meet people because I can’t seem to make friends in real life. I’m not going to make this a “poor me” story, but a “what the hell went wrong” story. It sometimes boggles my mind how people walk around and say “I have 500 friends” and I can’t get 5 people to show up to my funeral. Not that I’ve died, but you get the point. Good people struggle to find friends while not so good people can’t keep track of the people they know. Do I have it backwards in life? Do I need to become selfish, greedy and self absorbed to actually get people to like me? Now I’m not saying people don’t like me, that’s not the case at all, which only further confuses me, people like me. I have been told that I make people comfortable and people enjoy being around me, but what goes so wrong from point A to point B that I lose them? I know in the past I wasn’t so sure of who I was so I mirrored everyone that come along. Although I still haven’t truly found out who I am, I’m getting a lot closer than in the past. It’s a hard task finding out who you are and actually being comfortable with that person. Another thing I’ve heard is how people really enjoy my unique child like quality. I’m now comfortable enough and appreciate who I am. I often wonder if being who you are is worth standing alone or should I simply do what others are so I fit in? I live in a very conservative town, I’m married to a very conservative person, but that’s just not me, so I’m clearly the black sheep. Or at least I haven’t found like minded people close to me. It makes me really sad that I feel like I’ve done something wrong in my life; after this long without a social group or at least one good friend you really start to question “what the hell is wrong with me.” Don’t get me wrong, I love me, but clearly I’m doing something wrong.
I try to put on this happy façade like I’m okay being alone and independent (yes I’m married, but alone in the friend sense) but deep down it kills me. I don’t understand what I’m doing wrong or what is so wrong with me. Obviously there are other people out there struggling to.
Why do some people have to search for friends while others seem to be a magnetic and friends just appear to them? Are the standards we have to high? Do we expect too much from others, or maybe we aren’t giving enough ourselves? Am I just too naïve to think that I actually think I deserve friends? Am I to blind to see what others see or don’t see in me that is rebelling people from me? Am I putting off some signs that say, Hey I don’t want to be friends with you? I feel like I should carry a sign around saying “Friends wanted.”
I’m a good person with a huge heart and all I want is a few good friends- but damn if I know how to actually get there.