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More Then A Year

My life has turned upside down on me for a over and it's been getting really rough on my mind and emotions to cope with it all. Sometimes I look to someone to talk to, but the people who used to listen are never free or I don't have contact with them anymore.

I spent 2009-2011 with my exfiancé, it was especially rough the last year we were together. Two of our room mates weren't paying the bills and rent on time and I had to cover a ton when I wasn't making enough to do so. My ex gave up on looking for a job and I probably would've let that slide a lot longer then then it did if she didn't go and cheat on me with a girl.

After I broke up with her and the lease ended I thought I had myself in a better spot. I met another woman, got a better job and things were great! But only for a few very short months. She was/is my girlfriend (I'll try to explain it in a bit). In October of last year we found out she was pregnant, which was a shock to us both. We decided to keep and raise our baby.

That's when the trouble started again. A month after M found out she was pregnant she started to tell me I needed to grow up and change and it seemed that I could never do anything right anymore. She was always on me about something and we broke up at the beginning of 2012, but continued to live together. She'd compare me to her friend who has mental problems and eventually I took her advice to go to a psych and a therapist to try and fix my problems.

I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression, things I never had to deal with before. And it did not help that M didn't want "understand" how someone could be depressed for no reason. She also threatened constantly that if I did not "grow up" I would not be in my daughter's life. But she never stated anything more then growing up and other vague things. It really wore me down, but I dealt with it because I heard it could be hormones. She even made me sign a document stating I would not attempt to keep her from moving to California with our daughter, she said if I didn't sign she'd have her parents pay for her to fly out before our daughter was born. I would never do anything like that and it hurt so bad to think she'd want me to take our daughter away from her.

Eventually we got on decent terms, we didn't hang out often but we got along. Our beautiful daughter was born at the beginning of June, and I cannot imagine life without her, I love her so much! I ended up coming along to continue trying to work things out with M so we could be a family. But it got a lot harder... First I was forced to sleep in the living room because I "snored too loud". I was okay with it at first but it got uncomfortable real quick on the couch :- I worked full time and to help out I paid some of the bills in full, even bills that weren't mine.

But M still didn't want to be around me and took our daughter with her everywhere. I felt alienated and alone, 3700 miles away from everyone I knew. But I stuck around. October things got extremely tight, we were originally going to barely make it, but then other expenses came up. I freaked out and ended up stealing a giftcard from work and losing my job... something that I am ashamed of every single day. My boss was nice enough to let me quit instead of firing me, and thus I at least got the remaining vacation pay I had so we made it through October...

M was mad, with reason. I ended up getting a temp job in November and borrowing money from my parents. Despite extremely hard searching I almost didn't find another job. But oddly enough this event along with an extremely stressful argument finally opened M's eyes. We spent more time together, I got to see our daughter all the time and I was so happy. We weren't going to have enough money to live without a better job though. Mid December I got a call from a call center I applied to... and I ended up with an interview AND THEN a job offer! Things were going to be okay!

So I thought... Then in the second to last week of my temp job (4 weeks before my "new" job) I got hit by a car while riding my bike home... The injuries were not serious, just a sprained shoulder and a sprained ankle. Currently my shoulder bothers me a little now and then. But I got laid off early and couldn't afford rent. To make matters worse, the public transportation schedule changed, which would mean I couldn't go to the training at the job I had lined up.

The last two weeks in California were awesome, M and I got along so well it was like we first met again! Christmas was amazing, and I had a lot of fun! But there was no place for me to stay... M was allowed to stay with her parents, but there wasn't room for me... So my family pitched in and bought me a plane ticket home. M said I am welcome back anytime and she would love to work us out and be a family together, but I need a job and money, and even a car to do any of that. And I am looking and working really hard to do just that...

But it's so hard. I find myself questioning if M's intentions are true or if I'm going to be played again. And I am so sad, every day. I miss my daughter so much it tears my heart in two. We've skyped once for 30 minutes and I've gotten a few pictures... but its not the same. I just can't seem to shake this depression :( I guess I'm just looking for anyone with an ear to listen, and anyone who will be a good friend. I feel so alone on this and while my family is supportive there is only so much they can do. Especially being so busy.

Sorry if this went on too much and if I sound like a whiny kid, but I can't keep this in for much longer because its tearing me to pieces. And thank you if you read this all the way through.
mrmulberry mrmulberry 22-25, M Jan 9, 2013

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