IM Not Sure About My Relationship

I HAVE BEEN WITH MY FIANCE OFF AND ON FOR ALMOST 11 YRS. WE HAVE HAD SOME GOOD TIMES BUT MOSTLY BAD. I HAVE ALWAYS LOVED HIM! UNTIL NOW I CANT EVEN HAVE AN ADULT CONVERSATION WITH HIM WITHOUT IT WINDING UP IN A FIGHT IM NOT SURE ANYMORE. IM THE KIND OF PERSO WHO REQUIRES ALOT OF AFFECTION. MY MAN ISNT LIKE THAT AT ALL.HE NEVER TAKES ME OUT ANYWHERE. NEVER COMPLIMENTS ME WHEN I LOOK NICE. AND ALL WE DI IS FIGHT AND ARGUE. WE HAVE A DAUGHTER TOGETHER AND IVE STAYED MAINLY BECAUSE OF HER. IM NOT HAPPY AT ALL. IM TRYING TO KEEP THE FAMILY TOGETHER, BUT IM NOT SATISFIED IN MY RELATIONSHIP. ALL I DO IS CRY AND PRAY THAT HEWILL STRAIGHTEN UP. AM I ASKING TO MUCH FOR AFFECTION, AND ATTENTION, AND COMPLIMENTS AT LEAST WHEN NECESSARY? IF SO PLEASE SOMEONE TELL ME. IM KINDA NUMB ABOUT HIM RIGHT NOW. I HAVE HAD ALOT OF TIME TO THINK AND IM STILL AT A STAND STILL. DO I WAIT FOR MY KIDS TO GROW UP SO I CAN BE HAPPY? I WANT A REAL CONVERSATION AND WELL DESERVED ATTENTION. I DONT HAVE THAT WITH HIM. HE IS ALL I REALLY KNOW ANYMORE AND KINDA SCARED. ITS REALLY BAD WEHEN COMPLETE STRANGERS COMPLIMENT ME BUT MY FIANCE WONT. DO I WANT TO MUCH? DOI STAY AND BE UNHAPPY? IF THINGS HAVENT CHANGED IN ALMOST 11 YRS. THEN WHY SHOULD I THINK ANY DIFFERENT? RIGHT? I JUST WANNA BE HAPPY AT LEAST ONCE IN MY LIFE. LIFE HAS BEEN SO HARD AND ALL I WANT IS TO BE HAPPY. WHAT DO I DO?

 

CRAZYDREAMER77 CRAZYDREAMER77
31-35, F
6 Responses Feb 22, 2009

TY ALL FOR YOUR COMMENTS. THEY ALL HAVE HELPED ME IN SOME WAY OR THE OTHER. NO MATTER WHAT I DOI THOUGH WHATEVER DECISION I MAKE EWHY DO I FEEL LIKE ITS THE WRONG ONE? I KNOW IM MESSED UP BUT REALLY APPRECIATECTHE FEEDBACK

You don't say in your post how old your kids are, but as someone else said, it is not worth staying for the kids if you are that unhappy. How can they be happy if you are not? I am curious about something...you had said in your confession that nothing has changed in 11 years...does that mean he has never been one for showing affection? If so, what drew you to him 11 years ago? If he used to but doesn't now, what changed? Did he fill a need then that he no longer needs to fill, such as a rebound or security? If you feel it is worth saving, TALK to him!! He may not even know he is messing up. Try a couples counselor. It can't hurt.<br />
I do not know your situation, but I have been in a similar circumstance. I was dumped by an abusive boyfriend (but I didn't realize it at the time) because my weight hit a magic number, and got with my baby's daddy almost as revenge. I liked him, but didn't love him, and was never "in love" with him. I stuck with him and "made it work" for years and years, even though I knew that he was not what I needed long-term. I stayed for the years because I thought it was what I should do for my daughter. I finally realized that she couldn't be happy if I wasn't, and the way my boyfriend and I alternately fought and ignored each other, she couldn't grow up seeing a happy and healthy family. Not to mention the problems it caused her to have to say her parents weren't married. I left. It sucked. I had 8 years of raising my daughter on my own, and I second-guessed myself CONSTANTLY!! <br />
Now I have met someone wonderful, and we have been married a few years. My daughter finally gets to see a happy and healthy family, and she tells me all the time how glad she is that I am with the man I am with. Not only is he her dad, he CHOSE her instead of being "stuck with her" by an accident of birth. We have never been happier!<br />
I hope this helps. I just know there is no "happy ever after" if there is no chance of being happy. Let me know if I can help!

I will tell you this much staying in a relationship going nowhere, with no affection and real communication is not healthy and even more so with a child involved. If you have been together this long, and not married, most likely not going to happen. Children are very intuitive and see and no more than we may realize, she knows what is going on and you both are doing more harm to her than you realize. You are making too many excuses, it apperars he DOES NOT want to be in this relationship, and by ignoring you this should be evident. You should not have to wait for happiness! Either tell him you want the realtionship to end or you are going to start doing your own thing for yourself and your daughter! My boyfriend divorced his wife after 8 yrs while she was pregnant with the youngest it has been 11 yrs now and we all get along and are happy.

I don't know enough to suggest any real alternatives here for you except to say: have you managed to come up with any future scenarios where you and your daughter can be happy (by whatever means) and still manage keep a link with her father (again, by whatever means) ...it seems to me that you have some ideas but are feeling unsure of your own judgement: don't do anything in haste but do trust yourself<br />
I'm sorry to be so vague but I feel sure there must be a way to get beyond this with a "win-win" for all concerned... if you'd like to message me, please do so<br />
I wish you all the best. x

HI BUNNYDROP! TY FOR THE FEEDBACK. I REALLY FEEL LIKEI DONT LOVE HIM ANYMORE. ALMOST 100% SURE. LIKE YOU SAID IT HABIT. I WILL DEFINATELY ADD YOU TO MY LIST

my only advice on hearing your side is.do you/are you still in love with this guy.i was married for 17 years and felt as u do for the last five.we stayed together as my son was a baby.but when he was five we split.i dint love him,it was a habit.he no longer loved me.iit was simple really we are both very happy now an are good friends.i spent years of tears an upset.ive never looked back.im not a martyer but by staying i ws being a victim.think deeply about what u want.if u want your man to cahnge then he probablly wont.peole dont an why should they.u can talk etc.but in the end you either stay an be unhappy,stay an make best of it,or be brave an go.if you are no longer in real love then your answer is simple really.good luck,add me as a mate if you want a shoulder ever