Just So Tired Of This...

Generally, I don't mind being alone. I'm an only child and an introvert who is used to keeping to herself. I've never had a boyfriend, but that has never bothered me too much. I've always felt that I have too many reasons to be concerned about what is going on in my life as it is, and having a boyfriend would just pull my attention away from things like college or a career. I also don't crush on every guy I hang around; I'll admit that I've had a few crushes on guys who are completely unattainable, but I usually try not to think of a guy that way unless he seems to show interest in me first which usually doesn't happen. Besides, I've had a couple of friends who have been single their whole lives, so I've known that I'm not alone in my datelessness.

Then I met a guy this past year, and for the first time, I actually felt wanted. I spent a whole semester trying not to get too close because I didn't think he was seriously interested in me. He would flirt but wasn't really chasing after me, so I didn't want to get my hopes up. But then he started talking to me during Christmas break, and for a month or two after that, I finally let myself entertain the idea of the two of us as a couple. We talked regularly and hung out together a couple of times. He genuinely seemed interested, and I loved feeling wanted for once. Unfortunately, here we are several months later, and we have become a bit estranged. We don't talk as much, and all of our plans to see each other fall through. I can't say that it really hurts me that much since we were never really together, but I do feel that it has left me extremely frustrated. It's like I was finally given a glimpse of this feeling of actually being wanted, and now I'm dying to find that feeling again.

My frustration has escalated even further in the last week or so since my best friend told me that she is engaged. I know I should be happy for her, but it bothers me. I think what gets to me the most about it is that not even a year ago she was no closer to getting a boyfriend than I currently am, and she had never had a boyfriend either. If it was one of my other friends who has dated several guys that was getting married, I wouldn't be so surprised or bothered, but now the one friend who I thought would be one of my last close friends to get married is actually set out to be the first to marry. I don't feel like I can really vent my frustration to her like I used to be able to since she is currently too happy about her recent engagement. I feel very much alone and really tired of feeling this way. I really just want to be wanted.
MsStarrShine MsStarrShine
22-25, F
1 Response May 10, 2012

One of my old college friends just got married recently and it has only made me feel lonelier (been single my entire life).