Need Me!

Not only do I want to be wanted, but I need to be needed.  I am a caretaker.  Codependent?  I try so hard not to be.  I don't want any more labels on myself than what I have.

A woman to whom I am talking was feeling sick one day and I said to her on the phone, "Aw, reina [queen in Spanish], I'll take care of you."  You know what she said.  "Nah, I can take care of myself."  I could hear a crowd of high school kids in my head say, "Oh!  You got burned!  She dissed you, shawty!"  Yes, sometimes the voices in my head are young Black men.  Anyhow, I digress.  When she said, "I can take care of myself," it felt like she was saying, "I don't want nor need you."  I got very upset and cried when I hung up the phone.

When people need me and let me help them, I feel wanted.  I don't just want to be wanted sexually.  I want to be wanted despite my mental illnesses or my awkward social behavior, which can turn off some people.

I just want people to let me know that I am appreciated as I let them know that I love them and appreciate them every day.  I treat people the way I want to be treated and am very much disappointed in the end.
brujis brujis
18-21, F
1 Response Aug 14, 2007

Yeah it can be disheartening when people are closed off to us. It's very common for people in general to say "I can do this myself" or "I don't need any help" even if they don't really feel that way deep down. It's a form of conditioning in America that is pervasive and keeps people closed off from one another. I know I am that way sometimes, my depression keeps me from opening up to people. It's a self defense mechanism so that people can't get too close to me and be able to do harm. It's really sad and I don't do it intentionally or even consciously.