The Theme Of Not Being Good Enough......

I am tired of it! I try my hardest and do my best in everything and yet there are people in the world intent on using and abusing me. I don't know if I wanted this relationship, it came along at a crucial time when I was not even looking and gave me the hope to continue the struggle and forge ahead. Now, almost 3 months down the line, the cracks are starting to show and I have no capacity for another broken relationship but I also have no capacity for guess work, for capitualting, for being the least. I am already the least.

My father, my husband, my son's father, all of them - used and abused me and I allowed it. Now it is happening again and I can't do this. Why must I fight for my right to life. Fight for my right to be free. Fight for my right to just be - without the games, without the emotional hang ups.

I am afraid that all my issues from the past are over-shadowing this relationship but he is leaving me very little to go on. The secrecy, the lack of clear communication. Understandably there is a cultural and language barrier but in good times, we seem to overcome those. But when this happens suddenly, he does not understand what I am saying and then makes me feel like the aggressor, which I do not want to be so I end up accepting that I was wrong. WTF! Seriously!

I want to be wanted for me. For who I am. For my strengths and my weakness. For my quirks and my endearing qualities. Accept me the way I am. When will the day come when I will feel completed accepted. Wanted for me! If I cannot have that then surely I don't want to be wanted.

 

 

passionfish passionfish
31-35, F
2 Responses Mar 11, 2010

Thanks for your comments on my story. You were right. Stand up and be counted! I did that and the relationship has taken a turn, a fabulous turn! All I needed to do was to stop being so willing and accommodating and things took a turn in a good direction.It was important to be fully conscious with myself and my needs as the focus and that has made all the difference.......

Stand up and be counted, take control and let every one know how you feel.