Still Not Married

Well, without going into too much detail here's my story.  I have been dating a guy for six and a half years.  We broke up once during the relationship because my boyfriend felt that our relationship was too serious and he didn't want to be committed. He dated around a little, but decided he only wanted to be with me so we got back together. After a while we decided to live together. We have now lived together for over a year.  I have always been honest about the fact that I want to get married and have children someday.  At first he wanted it too and we were on that path, but then he started to change his mind.  He tells me he wants to work on education and career first.  I understand his position and that is why I've always supported him. I know how important it is for him to work on his personal success, but I truly believe that getting married will not interfere with his progress. I have just begun my career and don't want to have children for a few more years, but I do think its time for us to get married.  I always support his decisions and I'd follow him wherever he goes so I don't understand why he feels that our marriage would side track his plans. Sometimes I think he just uses that as an excuse. I've almost come to the conclusion that if he doesn't propose marriage someday soon I may have to move on and find someone who wants the same things I do. I just think that staying together will only delay the inevitable. I don't want to give him an ultimatum because I believe that would cause him to choose marriage for the wrong reasons. I want him to feel it in his heart and want it for the same reasons I do. I can't force him to marry me, but I don't know if I'm strong enough to back out of our relationship if he decides that marriage just isn't for him.

I know I won't be happy if our relationship never progresses. It might sound unfair, but I think that I may end up resenting my boyfriend if he decides he doesn't ever want to get married.

confusedinlove confusedinlove
22-25, F
5 Responses Aug 16, 2007

the guy is a lying *** bag of manure.im being nice.this jerk only wants you because you are a steady booty call and thats it.Marriage is a major investment,and this guy isa not willing to step up to the plate.im a 56 year old white guy,and i dont and cant want to wait.you want to stay, stay,but i think that 6 yaers is way plenty of time.back to the investment analogy if youy want a rollls -royce why settle for a kia?

Let me ask you this.....What is so important about marriage?<br />
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Because society says you have to. Because your friends are doing it. <br />
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Marriage is a dated tradition that was required for survival up until about 20 years ago. People are self sufficient now and marriage isnt necessary. While a few people find happiness in it, it brings most people misery. <br />
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I think the love between two people needs to be stronger to stay together when your not married. Heres why:<br />
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When youre dating its easy to leave. Just say the word and pack some stuff and thats it, youre done. But when youre married its a lot harder. What Im getting at is, when youre dating you try to do things to make each other happy to prove your love so they stick around. But when youre married leaving isnt really an option, so doing nice things because you love them turns into trying anything just to tolerate them because youre stuck. That quest for toleration gets ugly because you find yourself trying to change the other person. No offense, but this usually comes from the women.<br />
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Think twice about marriage. If you truly love each other then a ring isnt going to change anything unless it makes things worse.

I think Erica has a very good point. It's also worth discussing what *you* think marriage actually means, implies and entails, and what he thinks it does! You might both have very different ideas about that, and the things which he perceives as issues might well not be a problem. <br />
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Marriage itself is rarely a barrier to education nor career success, after all, it's rare for very highly successful people *not* to have a spouse.

I agree with Erica - best to enter a relationship/marriage with the same core values and expectations. Marriage requires a different fr<x>ame of mind.

It sounds like you need to sit down and have a serious talk with your boyfriend and see if you still want the same things from life. I hope you can work things out. Good Luck!