My Suppressed Memory Of Child Sexual Abuse Trauma

Yes, there is such a thing called suppressed memory.. I am 33 now, I wasn't aware of this 'piece of memory' till this year.. First at all, I am not a drug user or alcoholic person, but i am an unhappy person throughout my life, there is always this sadness, anxiety, depression and sucideness within myself since i was little. I always wish I never been born to this world ever since i was kid, and i hate myself so much, and i just think i am not likeable person, nobody will like me, i just wish i could die soon, so can end my miserably life since i was kid. and i always feel like I am not being myself, there is sth missing within me, and  there is an anger inside my chest, anger towards my parents, myself and my family..  i always fight with my parents, my siblings couldn't understand my behaviour, and they all think i was the black sheep of my family. For years (till now before i recalled this awful memory), i thought i am a bad daughter, that is why my dad just don't like me since i was kid, so do my mum... and then consequently, my siblings.
Through years, I've been through of many psychotherapy method.... it couldn't cure me... lately, through an unique 'psychotherapy method', I recalled this lost memory while i was a kid. My suppressed memory was recalled session by session through piece by piece of my childhood memory - i had molested by my father when i was kid, when i was around 4 or 5 yrs old. I didn't see any visual during the sessions, but I felt/experience/gone through (i would said the exact ) emotion and sensation feelings while i was molest by my father, while his 'playing with my virgina'... and the worst, he put his penis into my mouth, forced me to do oral sex for him.. and all those sensation and emotional that i have gone through during the session was so ‘vivid and strong’ that it almost tearing me apart each time ..  it hurt so much and it was such a painful memory..
I never thought about the possibility of child sexual abuse could happen on me.. my family is just so ordinarily, not a physical violent family, non-alcoholic, non-drug user, not even smoking. But the recalled memories explained a lot of many symptoms of mine through years, and especially my memory of having a continuously repeat nightmare around that time. I used to remembered when i was kid, i have these two same nightmares happened to me every night,  repeated and repeated to me every night - the first one was: i was chasing by monster around my neighbourhood, and i keep running and running, and the monster turns everyone around me into monsters, and then they all chasing me. while i run to my mum and my grandmother and some neighbours, i tried to reach out to them for help, but they just won't hear me, so i have to keep on running till i found an abandoned car, and i hid myself into car, those monsters found me , and when they almost reach me by trying breaking the car front window, then i awoke ... for yrs, i couldn't understand why it happen continuously like that (the exact same nightmare and the same finished point).. but during the therapy sessions, i found out the nightmare which i was so afraid of during at time wasn't the nightmare which i thought/remembered (which made me so afraid to go to sleep at night), but it was my father that i was so afraid of, as he came to me every night after everyone fell asleep and molested me throughout some long period of time when i was kid...
and the second nightmare which i had was i was alone at the backyard of a home, swinging by myself at the dark night, i was so afraid, alone and helpless..
The definition of suppressed/repressed memory made sense to me, when i was kid, i was alone, i don’t know how to deal with this traumatic memory/event, so i blocked it away, so i can surviving, I don’t dare to tell anyone , as i don’t think anyone will believe me. When my father molested me, i didn’t fight back while he was ‘playing with my virginal’,  and i didn’t know at that time what he was doing to me and all i know was i didn’t like the arousal feeling i had while he did that thing to me, and i want to pee so much but i couldn’t because i was pretending i was sleeping, I didn’t dare to open my eyes, and i was afraid to breath because  i was so afraid if he knew if i knew he was doing sth bad to me, he might don’t want me anymore. I hold my breath and telling myself that ‘you are my father, why u did this thing to me, and i don’t like the bad thing he did to me, and i don’t like the feeling i had at my bottom part, and he made me want to go to pee so much every time but i couldn’t.. and i felt suffocating because of what he doing to me.. i felt the terror, the sadness, and the emotional pain, and the terrifying screaming and crying and tears came down from me automatic during the sessions..
And while he forced me to do oral sex for him, all i know is, i don’t like the thing he put into my mouth, and it choking me several time, and even can feel his cupid hair around myself, and my liquid running out of my mouth and it is disgusting and made me feel sick and nausea..
And the memory that I don’t know how to deal with that fact that my father put his penis into my mouth and forced me to do oral sex to him, i don’t know how to keep on living with this fact, why he did those thing to me over and over again, and why he don’t let me go.. and i wish to die, so i don’t have to deal with or live with this fact/memory, so i can escape from him...
In my last few sessions, i always end the session with the connection of my childhood me, i recalled those lost memories first, then I remember who i am at the time when i was kid, I was ‘Ah Mei’ (that was my kid name), I always end up with realisation that I am ‘Ah Mei’ and i remember who i am now, and i remember what happened to me before, and then end up with tears and crying ...
I haven’t confront with my father, even since i recalled this suppressed memory, i didn’t call my family or siblings since then ( i living at over sea country now, and my family is far away from me).. several times i tried to call to either confront myself or tell my family what i recalled , but i always end up hanging the phone: will my father admit what he did to me before or will he deny, i guess probably he will deny, as if he will admit his wrongdoing, he will do it long time ago..and that also explained why he just don’t like me so much through yrs, his guilt made him to treat me badly that way through yrs. He drove my mum to target me while she is depressive and unhappy, and consequently my siblings, so i was the bad person of my family, not him.
I was thinking to tell my sister or my siblings, but i bet they will probably say i gone insane by trying to accusing him for sth so ridiculous..
Either way, i am losing.. i feel unfair and injustice, and will anyone ever know my trauma, will anyone will believe me or my so called suppressed memory.. or that is sth that i have to keep silent till i dead and die unhappily ?
That’s why i want to share my story to you, as I want people to know there is really such a thing called suppressed/repressed memory although the main stream psychologists claims it might not be true. And I hope to share my experience with someone who gone through the same child trauma like me..
And i will continue my psychotherapy sessions, it is not finished yet, i hope i will get better soon by releasing my inner pain... so, i can establish my self-esteem and stand up confidently without shame, self pitying and self-hating. So i can reduce my pain, anxiety and depression, and get out there to make friends and do the thing i want to do.. and live a peaceful life and be a happy person.
If i am successful with my treatment, one day i would like to write a book about my story, so, everyone will know what happened to me and there is a hope to live a better life for someone like us with suppressed memory of child sexual abuse trauma.
ahmei ahmei
31-35
Aug 8, 2010