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Struggling..

I used to laugh because my brother and I had a stupid rule, the two Melway-page  rule.. don't date anyone outside two map pages from any direction from you so that its more convenient.. and what did you know, you fell into the very same page as me. Four streets away you live, Five minute drive, 20 minute walk.

It was awesome whilst it lasted because we were so close, the park was between our two homes, we had gone to the same high school and when you had changed schools, fate had it that we re-met 14 years later...
Despite both of us living in the same area, I had never gone to the local cafes, brunch bars, special lil shops that were tucked away because i never knew they even existed.. you introduced me to my local area.. and everywhere i turn, there's a memory of you.
You became such a huge part of my life. To the extent that I had forgotten really what life was like before you. You became my world, my center of the universe, my anchor when everything else didn't make sense. My future plans had never seen shape before you, somehow you had broached all the walls of my heart and my life and wriggled into a snug corner of my heart and soul that i never even knew existed.

Now you're gone.

And I don't know where I am now or what i am supposed to do. The life that I had before me is now gone and i don't even understand where it went so wrong. I'm struggling so much to function, wondering how is the world continuing on when it feels like mine has collapsed? How is it that I'm still breathing because you just aren't there anymore.
The worst thing was, i gave everything of myself to you. I gave it all. After all the pain, hurt and suffering of years ago, I had finally managed to fall in love. I didn't think that you were perfect, I knew you not only had flaws but massive issues, and I accepted you anyway. I appreciated every last bit of you that I could possibly do. And you've tossed me, us and my love away... for what? Because I wasn't perfect? You knew that from the start, so why WHY did things change? You tell me its not my fault. That i was the best girlfriend. That I had made you happier. That you knew that I loved you. That you know you can trust me. That you took me for granted and that I put up with so much of your ****. That I have so much potential.

If all this is true, then why are you leaving? Why am i alone? Why am i now having to wonder whose arms you'll be in? Whose life will you now share? Who will you now be sharing all of those places, all of OUR places, all of our memories that would have been made?

I don't even know where to begin rebuilding my life. I don't even have the will to try. I feel so numb and lost now. Everything seems to pass in a haze and I don't know how to keep up anymore.
Sephira7 Sephira7 26-30, F 1 Response Jun 14, 2012

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I understand and feel your pain...just hang on tight and I'll walk through the dark shadows with you, help carry your burdens and affirm that you will be okay...you'll be safe...you WILL make it. You need to struggle, you need to cry, you need to scream...you need to seek support, to express your pain, to walk through this and not around it. Memories that hurt right now, will never go away, but your persepective about them will change and so will you...but in a good way...really. You'll see.

i hope so..