Lost Him To Love.

Girls and guys can never be "just friends". Expecially when you are so close, they are literally your rock. Your lifeline. Your better half. You start to wonder what- besides the physical aspect- is different between your friendship and a relationship.
And then, one day, apparently- "i'm sorry, I can't stop thinking about her. I feel like I owe it to her to take care of her. I don't care that she's left me 3 times, and used me as she pleased. As much as I've loved hanging out and talking with you, she's more important to me." Just like that. And it's all gone. And I'm broken. I wonder if I was stupid to ever let myself CONSIDER that. To have feelings for my most valued friend and, in a really unconventional sense, every-day life partner. I don't think he knew, that I fell for the one person that seemed to just always understand. Who made me laugh and smile when I didn't have much laugh and smile left in me. Who made me feel like maybe, even though i'm fluent in a language nobody else seems to speak, it was ok. That he didn't have to understand but just be fascinated by my inner workings. Of course he would go for the needy girl- the one who begged and pleaded and cried just as I did... but right infront of his eyes and not behind locked bathroom doors.I told him I thought she was using him, that she was bad news. I was completely truthful. But... was that simply a conscious coverup to the subconsious workings of my mind as it struggled with the pain of the loss of the single most important ousider in my life? Is it better for me to lose someone so close to me, in order to give my soft spot a poke of reality? Or did I just lose the only hope I had to connecting with the world outside my head? I thought I treated our relationship-whatever it was- with velvet gloves. But I guess it just was a totally wrong approach. I just wish I knew what when wrong- what can't I see? Does he not miss that part of his life like I do? Is it simply not even there? I am so stuck. Lost. Broken.  
Loveisalive Loveisalive
18-21, F
3 Responses Sep 14, 2012

I recently lost my bf also.....I think a part of me will be heartbroken forever.....we loved one another for 14 plus years.....he finally said he couldn't just be friends any longer....it had to be more and he also said he would be hard pressed to ever find another that he had so much fun with.....I'm very sad about it so I know how you must feel........my world will be forever changed....

From the way it sounds, he might just be so deeply... uh... whatever it is with her, he is blind to what he has with you. Unless you've really been turbo-subtle with you adoring him, I'd take it as a time to see that his mind is elsewhere.

Does not mean he may think less of you as a friend or more, but there is a path he must walk, just like you.

Now you have a whole world ahead of you. HUGE. The World is a HUGE place with many-a-people. Acquaintances, somebodies, friends, friends with benefits, lovers, and then Life Partner.

Take time and grovel. Understand and recognize the feelings you have and why. Sure you are upset, but why? Is it a belief you can not find any one else ever? Why is that?

Keep going with those questions and motivate yourself to move forward. Maybe he'll wise up and join you later when he's done with his aspect. Or maybe someone else will assist you and be with you, give you what you want. Or maybe you realize that you have so much to experience in this Life, you can experience many aspects of it with many people and not just one person.

Whatever it is, don't blame yourself. You are not in control of his actions. Only yours.

I'm am very terrified of the same thing happening to me.
Only my best friend is a woman.
Thank you for sharing - I felt like my fear was pretty silly and irrational but I feel better knowing that other people feel that way.

It really feels like getting dumped by a significant other. Like part of you is missing- but as long as they are happy, I guess all you can do is be thankful for the memories.