Now I'll Never Know

I met my friend Chris our freshman year in high school and it wasn't long before he became my best friend and pretty much my brother. After we graduated we got even closer and hung out almost every single day. I was kicked out 2 weeks after graduation and was living in my own place... and I picked him up almost everyday and sometimes wouldn't drop him off till the next day cuz we would stay up playing xbox or listening to music. Nothing changed at all when I got into a relationship. I told Chris everything.. he was the type that hated seeing his friends sad and wouldn't give up doing random funny things till he got a smile. Him and I got in a wreck one time in the middle of nowhere and I had hit my head on the windshield and cracked it. Well Chris wouldn't let me sleep one second until he knew I was alright. One day something happened at a party and he ended up the place suicidal people go and his parents freaked out on me and harassed me because chris had told them we were dating. I didn't even know he liked me that way, he never said ANYTHING. Well he stopped talking to me and a couple months later he was beaten and left on train tracks to die. I was devistated and instantly was full of regret for not reaching out to him about why we stopped talking. Now i'll never know his side of the story. His family thinks i broke his heart and hates me. At the funeral I was harassed and flipped off. A couple of his other friends talked at the service and that hurt so bad. I would of liked to say a few words... His family doesn't believe me when i tell them i was not aware and continues to hate me. Even after almost a year I still have issues with it everyday. My depression was so bad at one point i dropped 70 lbs in a couple months. My anxiety is almost at an untreatable point. I don't know how to move on. I miss him so much.
guitarplayinghippie7 guitarplayinghippie7
2 Responses Jan 5, 2013

Can I suggest something? Take it or leave it. Buy a nice notepad and a pen you like. Open it up. And start writing. Write about your feelings and above all write about those: 1. Define your pain; Try and name your hurt. Write till you get to the bottom of it. At some point you will arrive at 'angry', 'guilty' and so on. 2. Express your pain; write a letter to him or find a loved and trusted person that can sit there while you address them as you would talk to your friend. Tell HIM everything. 3. Stay in the present; Slowly start writing in you journal events of the day. The things that made you smile as well as ones that upset you. Revisiting past and thinking 'should'a, could'a, would'a' will not allow you to move on, so above all try and focus on every task of your day and push away every thought of the painful past. 4. Stop telling the story; No amount of reassurance from other people is going to make you hurt less. You don't need a permission to move on. And you only will when you make a room for new, better memories. 5. Forgive yourself; it's not your fault. Write down everything you feel guilty of. Add to the list every day if you think of something. You'll deal with the list later. 6. Don't let your pain become you; Write down the things that made you before this whole dreadful thing happen. Your favourite songs from then, the movies from then, revisit and remind yourself the sensation of how you felt then. Remember it. That's who you really are. With time, when you will feel you're more at peace with yourself, burn the diary. Just as a symbol of pain you never want to feel again. And when you pick up from that, next time a tragedy will touch you, you will know how to survive. And if you want to read more about making your world a better place, simply visit which is where the above tips come from. Stay strong.

too bad to hear that, it's very sad. but tell me why you do not try to approach him again?

I think you ought to read it again. Understand, and delete your question.