Enough Already

I have not been married for long enough to have real problems.  There is still wedding cake in my freezer.  My first anniversary is in two weeks.  And yet, things are rapidly spiraling downhill.  Lately, I have used the term "genre wife."  I share a very prevalent common interest with my husband.  We are both stand-up comics.  We met through comedy.  I often wonder what would happen if I were to give it up.  If he would still find any redeeming qualities in me.

When we started dating, comedy was our schedule.  There were four open mics every week, and three shows at the comedy club.  Seven days a week.  If I wasn't working or with my daughter, that's where we were.  In spite of this, I genuinely believe that we fell in love with each other for real reasons.  My husband can be a sweet, wonderful man.  He's good to my daughter, he's honorable, he works hard, and he's an amazing lover.  If I didn't believe that I could build a life with him, I wouldn't have married him.

Lately, it seems as if comedy has become more important to him than anything.  We've been having problems-real, hard, serious problems-every day for over a month now.  Still, he schedules movie shoots, shows, auditions.  We just keep plowing through like our problems don't exist.  When we go to these shows, my husband walks in with me, and then he's nowhere to be found.  He's off talking to other comics, to bookers, to anybody who wants to discuss comedy.  It's just a given that when everybody else is gone, and he's ready to go home, I'll be there.

I miss him.  I remember when we were on the same team, when we were excited to be together, when we were supportive of each other.  I remember having inside jokes.  I remember when, in spite of how busy we were, he would fight to be by my side.

I try to talk to him about our problems, and we end up in a loop.  I am upset, and that makes him angry.  I tell him that it bothers me that he ignores me in public.  That it hurts, and that I think it's a real problem.  He tells me that EVERYTHING he does is wrong.  That I NEVER appreciate him, that I ALWAYS try to make him feel bad about EVERYTHING he does.  The whole world becomes a superlative in which I am a monster, out to make him give up his dreams.  I tell him how I feel, and he tells me that I don't feel that way.  I try to talk, and he interrupts me.  He's incapable of listening anymore. 

I am not a saint.  When I get upset, I don't go get him, I brood.  I save it for later.  And when I'm angry, I'm not nice.  I suck at conflict resolution, and I'm likely to go for the jugular when we fight.  I yell too much.  I get frustrated, and I shut down.  I'm slow to say I'm wrong.

I feel like when I admit fault, then his behavior is absolved, like if I did something wrong, then how I feel about the way he treats me doesn't matter.  When I apologize, he forgets about it when I bring up my issues, anyway.  Then, it's about how I NEVER admit to doing anything wrong, and I can't speak.  I can't get a word in.  He tells me how awful things are.

Every comedy bit he's written in the past few months is about how awful life is, how marriage is hard, how it's hard to keep a sex life interesting, how he can't even go to the bathroom in peace.  He says that they're just jokes, and that I shouldn't be upset.  I tell him that individually, yes, they are funny bits of comedy, but when I add them all up together, I feel like I make him miserable.  Again, he tells me that I don't feel that way.

I don't know a whole lot, but I am capable of judging my own emotions.  I know that I want to communicate with him, that I want to fix our problems, that I'm tired of feeling this way, and making him feel the way I believe he feels.

I absolutely refuse to leave him.  When I said my marriage vows, I meant them.  Promises mean a lot to me, and I refuse to believe that, as much as we love each other, these problems are bigger than that.  I want this all to go away, and for what's left to be me and my husband, co-conspiring against the world, giggling at inside jokes like we used to, like we're supposed to.

So for now, I simply refuse to leave.  I plow through, and I work to resolve our problems.  There will be times when he carries me, and times when I carry him.  There will be times where we both want to give up, but as long as I can muster any form of resolve, I will fight to keep my promise to the man I love, to my family and friends, and to whatever god may be above.

unobserver unobserver
31-35, F
12 Responses Mar 9, 2010

ok...So I was too scared to say anything in fear of giving the wrong advice. My road was complicated by several hardships and poor influences, bad choices. Not the same! Anyhoo!<br />
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But I can take a step back and say...this issue is very complex and also easy at the same time because of perspective. It is a common hurdle that can be overcome with eliminating the wrongs and offering what you can give, listening to each others wants and needs instead of being told so. Likes, dislikes. Sort of like when you get to know someone. It's kind of the same. You are getting to know each other as married people. Different from dating or engaged. I can see how both of you are saying "I want" in other words. Reading past the emotion, I can see the hidden messages of each of you. You still both want the same things. To be heard, appreciated, understood, listened to. I think giving instead of asking would be a nice exchange? <br />
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I think spending the time communicating how each of you can give those wants instead of telling each other what you want done eliminates the stress of expectations (lowering or raising them as well).<br />
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We do that when we first date but we forget how as time goes by. As we change, we need to keep learning about each other instead of looking at the past. Holding on to the past was a death knell here. : (

This is the confusing part for me...no one can really tell you what is right or wrong. They can but in the end it's up to the two people involved in the marriage. I sit here and remember the blessings of a good marriage which reminded me to stay committed. All the while, I've was surprised with completed divorce papers given to me a few years back. Later they were taken back. The struggle to reconcile after always felt broken, trust being a huge hurdle. I've grown a sense of abandonment that is not natural. So I act back and the revolving door never stops. I've walked down that path too many times that I feel foolish to give any advice...<br />
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It is very hard for people to comment without drawing from experience because despite the whole divorce stigma, marriage holds so much in our hearts. <br />
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Marriage is such a coveted ray of hope that we all wish to have. The partnership, the moments where you overcome challenges, the heartache, the passion, the comfort. It's the memory book of life through good and bad when you are celebrating all those years past together. <br />
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I wish more marriages worked out...it shows that two individuals can make it work so why can't we?

Kungfuchick- Thank you, and I will definitely look into the book! <br />
Drsubb- I don't expect things to be the way they were when we were dating, and I don't mind that we do our separate things when we go out. What I'm looking for is a basic consideration for my time. The night in question when I wrote this I was one particular night when he disappeared for an hour after open mic ended knowing that I had a headache and wanted to leave. He was talking to somebody who had done comedy for the 1st time that night. I understand that you want to take a minute to congratulate and touch base, but an hour is excessive in that situation, I feel.

I agree with drsubb to a point. Many of these things are normal. But these are the things that can start driving two people apart. A great book to read and hopefully he will read it too, is the four seasons of marriage by Gary Chapman. <br />
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Not that a book will solve your problems, but maybe it can help you to work thru them a little better.<br />
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Wishing you the best.

I want to ask a question. <br />
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when you are calm and normal, do you even notice that your heart is beating...or that you are actually breathing. No you actually feel your heart beating, only if it is beating at an abnormal rate..... or you will notice your breathing only when it is not normal right? <br />
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After marriage, and after so many months, you have become a part of your husband's physiology like a healthy and normal heart which nobody notices any more. Well he knows, you are always there for him and therefore, he makes no effort in wooing you and he is talking to others instead. <br />
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Well these are normal things in a marriage. as people become too familiar with their spouse, they tend forget about him/her.....taking it for granted. There is nothing wrong in it. In fact i would be more worried if my partner were also to behave like my colleagues do like come to me every now and then and thank me, appreciate me for each small little thing I do. As soon as I reach home, I start doing some chores, notice something amiss.... blurt at my wife..... she shouts back at me sharply. There it ends. Ten minutes later we have our coffee together.. and don't even remember what and why did we shout at each other! Then again she gets busy watching TV soap and I get buried in the news paper and we are not even aware of each other's existence for the new two until its dinner time.......well thats married life. <br />
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Stop scratching your head and thinking too much. Your marriage is going just fine. reduce your expectations, and stop comparing with the exciting life you both had earlier before marriage. .

It sounds like the two of you have serious communication problems . I suggest both of you seek the advice of a counselor.

I don't know much but it sounds to me like you two are going to make it.

My husband was a musician for years and so i have been there. When they would take a break every woman there wants a poece of the band. Nights they were not playing we were out trying to get bookings. After three years I just stopped going and funny thing is when I quit he did to. I have set in the corner more nights than I care to think about, Because they have to network, so I know where you are coming from.

I have a pack of ear plugs. :-)

Thank you both. There are ups and downs, but that's what a marriage is. We're really breaking ground and trying to work together. He wants this to work, too, and that is more important than anything we could ever try to do to fix things, neither of us are giving up. (However, he IS snoring right now, and that seems pretty defeatist to me. Hehehe.)

People change. Its a fact of life I guess that nothing stays the same. I too wish I could get my wife and I on the same team more often. We both worked together so I understand that. I learned that I should unconditionally support my wife there but never felt like the consideration was returned. I would say to you don't take the jokes in his act too seriously. If they bother you ask if he is trying to say something and if he says they are jokes then try and accept them for what they are. Come up with your own lines and comebacks for when you need them. And above all, keep communicating. And an early Happy Anniversary!

This is so full of love and devotion. You expressed so many different emotions, and very well , I must add. It tells me you have certainly figured out the problem. *sigh* I think you two are going through some tough changes. And there will be many more. It's hard. I think the two biggies are communication and compromise. Lots of compromise. <br />
"There will be times when he carries me, and times when I carry him."<br />
That's sums it up perfectly.<br />
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Congratulations on your anniversary! Celebrate the first of many, Unobserver.